*** Note: Due to the lack of internet service in McCall, I kept posts on a word processor and then uploaded them all tonight. There are 3 posts all together that are new - the first (this one below) is not particularly uplifting, so feel free to skip :D ***
I have made the decision to take a break from Facebook. There was this unhealthy masochistic part of me that trolled through it on a daily (multi-daily?) basis looking for people’s big news. When I would read things like “Hurray, expecting our first!” or “will this morning sickness ever go away?” or the happy posts with ultrasound pics or the “we’re days from becoming first time parents,” there was this part of my stomach that would be sick, this twinge of sadness, moment of bitterness and then the guilty moment where I would think to myself why would you take away from other people’s joy? Why would you take a moment so happy in someones life and twist it into something sad, bitter, heartbreaking?
And so, because I am 27 and will have my 10 year reunion this year and I am in that time in my life where increasingly, people will be having babies - I have decided to take a break from Facebook for an indeterminate amount of time. I am not sure if this break will last for a few weeks, months, until I get pregnant, etc. I have not determined the scope of the break, but I do know that I need a break. I do not want to be the bitter person that I have found myself being lately. I want to be the supportive happy person that I have always been - and so, as an emotional protection, I have eliminated one of the sources to my bitterness.
I have also made a pact with myself. When/if I do become pregnant, I will not be sharing it on Facebook. Most people who are going through this journey, go through it silently and painfully - they do not pipe up and honestly write about it like I have done - and in fact, I have been silent about it on Facebook because honestly? I don’t want to be the curmudgeon, the debbie downer, the sourpuss. As a result of people being silent on the subject, you just never know what someone’s reality is, what battles they are fighting. I know what posts about pregnancy, sickness related to pregnancy, etc have done for my emotional well being and I certainly do not want to be the source of pain for anyone else.
I don’t blame people for sharing their happy news. Had we gotten pregnant in May and had it work out and been due in February, I probably would have shared the heck out of our happy news - because I wouldn’t have known any different - I wouldn’t have had an understanding of the struggle it could be to have a baby, I wouldn’t have known the pain of loss, I wouldn’t have the life experience to tell me to stop and think about the possible reality other people were living.
I would imagine there are similarities in many life situations - everyone getting married when you would love nothing more than to find your forever and get married. Everyone buying a house when financially, it won’t or can’t work out for you. People going on vacation after vacation when you haven’t gone on a single one. People spending happy holiday’s with their families when your family has been rocked by loss. There are many situations that can create a bitterness or pain from reading statuses on Facebook.
I try to be cognizant when posting or sharing - but I am sure that I have been the creator of someones pain through a post I have made on FB - I will never know. Part of me knows that there will always be things written that will hurt and that I should just grow a thicker skin and not be bothered - but for now, things do hurt, and my emotions are up and down - and avoiding things that cause more hurt is what is right for me at the moment.
Lying in bed last night, I told Nick, “I think I am going to take a break from Facebook” and he said “I think that would be good” - that was all the confirmation I needed to know that at this time in my life - there are other, more constructive ways to stay in touch with my loved ones.