The Other Side

As promised - a post about being on the "other side" of the fertility battle. 

Being on the "other side" is a strange and sometimes awkward place to be. Having been on the uphill battle side, you lose your naiveté about the whole getting pregnant process. Those who get pregnant quickly or accidentally (even if they have supported a friend or family member through difficulty getting pregnant) still have a semi blissful - how can I say - non understanding of the process. 

When you are struggling, at first you just chalk it up to not hitting the right dates, not trying hard enough, it not being the right timing. This goes on for 6 months - give or take - then, you start to worry. 

You start to google things - and let me tell you - googling things starts to scare the ever-living-*bleep* out of you. 

You gain a new vocabulary you never thought you would have or need. 

Clomid - a drug you take to make you ovulate

Male Fertility Testing - Test for sperm count and viability

Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) - the doctor they send you to when your OB is not longer good enough 

IUI - the next step you take after 6 attempts at clomid doesn't work

IVF - A seriously expensive way to maybe get pregnant, or maybe just spend a lot of money

Basal Body Temperature - an annoying way to chart your ovulation, every. single. morning.

Ovulation predictor sticks - an expensive way to pee on a stick every day for 7 days in the hopes you get a "surge"

LH Surge - a way to predict you ovulated

Thyroid - A gland that apparently can affect getting pregnant

PCOS - a scary syndrom that can cause you not to get pregnant

Progesterone Testing - to see if you have high progesterone which makes getting pregnant difficult

And on and on...

These become completely normal terms to you - non-strugglers probably know little about them. 

When you are trying - you spend a lot of money trying:

Basal body thermometer

Ovulation predictor sticks - 1 box a month to the tune of $25-40 

Pregnancy tests. Lots and lots and lots and lots of pregnancy tests. 

Clomid

Doctors appointments - co-pays 

Pre-natal vitamins - for months and months

Time. Time googling. Time going to doctors. Time worrying. Time stressing. 

How did I get so off topic - this is supposed to be about being on the other side...

Back to the topic at hand. 

Being on the other side is a strange place to be. I find that, at times, I have had trouble embracing my pregnancy. I am not sure if this is because of the empathy I have for those I know struggling or quite why. Had I just gotten pregnant *bam* right away, I can guarantee I would have made comments on facebook frequently about the baby. 

The happy announcement "we are expecting!"

The miserable posts "I'm so sick"

The happy posts "I'm decorating the nursery!"

The excited "We are having a BOY!"

Etc. Etc. Etc. 

Instead - there were 3 posts I made that referenced being pregnant. 

1. A picture with no description at around 16 weeks

2. A comment on the class reunion page explaining why I might not attend

3. A post stating I was excited about having a glass of red, sleeping on my tummy and going for a run

That's it. 

I couldn't bring myself to possibly be the one to make a post that would hurt the way I hurt every time I saw someone post about their pregnancies. 

Before I had trouble, I fantasized about how I would document the pregnancy. The clothes I would buy. The maternity photo shoot I would book. The classes I would go to. The diary I would keep. None of these happened. I don't know if it was guilt that I was finally on the other side? Worry that it wouldn't work out, even now? Something else entirely? Either way - I was and am excited about being pregnant and ready to have a baby, but there is a part of me that has remained sensitive to what it was like before. 

There are some things that I would tell my "before the other side" self that I would hope she would listen to (but probably wouldn't):

• When you are trying to get pregnant and it isn't working, it starts to consume you. It is in your thoughts all the time. Everyone around you is pregnant. You wonder if it has worked. You take your BBT every morning and look at the chart so many times during the month it wrinkles like an old letter. You google pregnancy symptoms. You google early and very early pregnancy symptoms. You wonder if you should drink that glass of wine. It is on your mind. All. The. Time. You forget about the good things in your life. I would tell myself not to forget the good things in my life. I wasted a whole lot of time hurting, feeling bad, wondering, waiting. I lost months of goodness in my life. I have a wonderful, amazing, respectful, supportive husband. Not everyone has that. I have a beautiful, comfortable, warm and inviting home. Not everyone has that. I get to go on amazing vacations, several times a year. Not everyone has that. I have wonderful, supportive, funny and witty friends. Not everyone has that. I go to the store and pick up the food and items I need and the food and items I want. Not everyone has that. We are financially stable with good jobs, savings, retirement, payments we can afford. Not everyone has that. I am healthy. My husband is healthy. My friends are healthy. My family is healthy. Not everyone has that. I would tell myself that life is damn good - even without getting pregnant. Life is good. 

• I would tell myself to be open about struggling. When I finally stopped skirting the issue and when I finally "came out of the fertility closet" I found that there was so much support out there. So many others who had in the past struggled or who were struggling right along with me. Silently. 

• I would tell myself to stop playing the "nice" card every time someone asked "when are you going to have kids?" If people don't know that you are struggling, they don't know that it is like a knife to the stomach every time you are asked this question. If people are unaware of the prevalence of fertility challenges, they will continue to ask you and others the dreaded question.  By nice card, I mean pretending like we aren't trying or pretending that we are just "seeing what happens" etc. 

• I would tell myself to keep working out. I have never been depresses or depression prone - it's not me. After our D&C, I ran Hood to Coast. That was the last time I worked out. I was so worried that I would hinder our chances of getting pregnant if I continued to work out hard. Working out is my release. It is how I stay happy and healthy. I would tell myself, never stop working out. 

• I would tell myself to consider the alternative - that we would never have kids - for a moment. A brief moment. Then I would tell myself to throw this thought out the window and move on.  Obviously I always had it in my head that we would have kids when we got marries. But clearly, that is not why I married Nick. He is hilarious. He is kind. He is thoughtful. He is supportive. He is stable. He is trustworthy. We love to travel. We love to eat out. We love to go on walks. We love to watch movies. We love to do these things, together. We loved them before we thought about kids and that should continue, regardless of what the future holds. 

I am sure I have more to add - I will add as I think of them but feel like I should post this rather than keep it as a draft and make it "complete" before posting. 

Random Sunday

I have a whole lot of random stuff to talk about - I know that it is supposed to be like Miscellaneous Monday (alliteration ya know!) But whateves - I have a bunch of random stuff to say so why not! Today, I declare Random Sunday.

• I realized the other day, I write a lot of posts in my head that never get written. Some of them I think would be really good to write. I still struggle with what this blog is about, which I think can be obvious through looking at past posts - sometimes I am pretty raw and honest about personal things, sometimes I am really superficial and document things we are doing around the house, sometimes I am informative about how to do something...This blog is completely undefined. I read several blogs that are suuuuuuper open and honest. These people are all "anonymous" bloggers (ie, see according to me in my blogroll) - no one in their friend or family circle knows about the blog and everyone has "blog names" rather than their real names. They are so open and honest about all the things that are normally more secret, but they do so at the expense of sharing their experiences with people they know. Then there are others who are more interested in blogging about events (ie, we went to a Duck game-pictures pictures, we went on vacation to Hawaii-pictures pictures, etc). Finally, there are the people who blog about how to do stuff - these are more like the people in my "so creative" section. They teach you how to DIY stuff at home, or cook, or whatever. I find that I am a hybrid of all of the above but I don't do any of them well. I don't take enough pictures to be an events in our life coverer, I don't explain how Nick does house projects enough to be an explanatory blogger and I certainly am not anonymous enough to be a brutally honest, here I am type blogger. So where is this bullet point going? I suppose I would like to remain the scattered type blogger that I have been because it follows my scattered type personality. That said, there are a few improvements that I am making it a goal to make - 1)Take more pictures and become a "better" event documenter. 2)Be a better how to blogger. Our garden is incredible and Nick is a very talented remodeler, fabricator, etc and I believe that some of this would be helpful for us and for others. 3)Be super honest (while skating the line knowing I am not anonymous. I am aware that people have many struggles and many of these struggles become closet issues - sometimes it is nice to realized you are not alone in your struggles. No family is perfect and no situation is perfect - despite what things appear to be from the outside. That said - I don't have the ability to be like "according to me" because I am an open blog, people know me. My blog is not here to hurt feelings or offend. There are also topics that I believe should not be discussed because they always end up causing issues - politics, religion, etc would be several examples. I have thoughts and beliefs, my readers have thoughts and beliefs and I believe that no matter how those may differ, I can be friends with everyone. This blog is a bit of a diary for me and I have found that I have looked back an past posts recently and I regret that I have not been a better documenter. I definitely want to work much harder at this particular aspect of my blog - if not for the readers, for me. 
• We went to our SHS reunion last night. I was on the fence about going for quite some time. I didn't want to go and be uncomfortable and huge and awkward and 36 weeks pregnant while there. I am SO glad that I went. There were a ton of classmates that didn't go and drug their feet about going. I heard a lot of reasons why people didn't want to go. Among them:
• I have changed so much I don't want to go
• It is going to cost too much
• I don't want to go because I see all the people that I want to see already and don't need to see anyone else
• I don't want to listen to everyone pump themselves up
• I dunno, I just don't want to go...

Let me tell ya, I was very pleasantly surprised at how wonderful it was to see everyone who was there! I didn't hear anyone try to pump up their experiences and try to sound like they were "so successful" or try to be something they weren't (or maybe something they were, there have been some amazing successes come out of our class which is great!) 

Everyone was really friendly, super genuine and it was so wonderful to spend the evening with them! And to boot, I am pretty sure I made a new friend, which is not generally what happens at reunions! It is amazing how you can go through high school without realizing the connections you might have with someone because you already have your group of friends only to realized later in life that in fact, had you had the chance back then (or given it a chance), you probably would have been great friends, even back in high school. 

• Not to complain about the weather - just documenting here ;) - it is HOT! 90 yesterday, 85 right now at 7:00pm and I have a heater strapped to my belly. Wowser - it is too hot for being 36 weeks pregnant!
• I really want to write a post that goes back to our struggles with getting from no kids to 36 weeks along. I have reflections which I think are different from what I have shared thus far. There are things that I want to share with my "before" self that I wish I would have known (but probably wouldn't have listened to) and things I just want to jot down - that post will probably come next week sometime. 
• Have I mentioned that I am so exited for DUCK football? We have been cleaning out Nick's shop in Corvallis and EUREKA! we found a vintage duck flag (which will hang over our garage in the front of our house) and vintage duck tee's, sweatshirts and sweat pants! Score! Now I am a little bit nervous that I won't make it to the games. If our little doesn't learn to drink breast milk from a bottle early on, I will have to watch on TV and Nick will get to take different people to the games. I suppose that would be a super score for the other people!

I feel like I had more I wanted to write about - but I can't think of it. You will have to excuse me, I just woke up from a nap - a past time I was never able to take advantage of before I was pregnant and one I am taking delight in prior to the arrival of baby bear. Have I ever mentioned how much I love to sleep? Well I do. Always have. I am really hoping that little loves to sleep as well ;)

Happy Sunday all! 

The Break - From Facebook (gulp!)

*** Note: Due to the lack of internet service in McCall, I kept posts on a word processor and then uploaded them all tonight. There are 3 posts all together that are new - the first (this one below) is not particularly uplifting, so feel free to skip :D ***

I have made the decision to take a break from Facebook. There was this unhealthy masochistic part of me that trolled through it on a daily (multi-daily?) basis looking for people’s big news. When I would read things like “Hurray, expecting our first!” or “will this morning sickness ever go away?” or the happy posts with ultrasound pics or the “we’re days from becoming first time parents,” there was this part of my stomach that would be sick, this twinge of sadness, moment of bitterness and then the guilty moment where I would think to myself why would you take away from other people’s joy? Why would you take a moment so happy in someones life and twist it into something sad, bitter, heartbreaking?

And so, because I am 27 and will have my 10 year reunion this year and I am in that time in my life where increasingly, people will be having babies - I have decided to take a break from Facebook for an indeterminate amount of time. I am not sure if this break will last for a few weeks, months, until I get pregnant, etc. I have not determined the scope of the break, but I do know that I need a break. I do not want to be the bitter person that I have found myself being lately. I want to be the supportive happy person that I have always been - and so, as an emotional protection, I have eliminated one of the sources to my bitterness. 

I have also made a pact with myself. When/if I do become pregnant, I will not be sharing it on Facebook. Most people who are going through this journey, go through it silently and painfully - they do not pipe up and honestly write about it like I have done - and in fact, I have been silent about it on Facebook because honestly? I don’t want to be the curmudgeon, the debbie downer, the sourpuss. As a result of people being silent on the subject, you just never know what someone’s reality is, what battles they are fighting. I know what posts about pregnancy, sickness related to pregnancy, etc have done for my emotional well being and I certainly do not want to be the source of pain for anyone else. 

I don’t blame people for sharing their happy news. Had we gotten pregnant in May and had it work out and been due in February, I probably would have shared the heck out of our happy news - because I wouldn’t have known any different - I wouldn’t have had an understanding of the struggle it could be to have a baby, I wouldn’t have known the pain of loss, I wouldn’t have the life experience to tell me to stop and think about the possible reality other people were living. 

I would imagine there are similarities in many life situations - everyone getting married when you would love nothing more than to find your forever and get married. Everyone buying a house when financially, it won’t or can’t work out for you. People going on vacation after vacation when you haven’t gone on a single one. People spending happy holiday’s with their families when your family has been rocked by loss. There are many situations that can create a bitterness or pain from reading statuses on Facebook. 

I try to be cognizant when posting or sharing - but I am sure that I have been the creator of someones pain through a post I have made on FB - I will never know. Part of me knows that there will always be things written that will hurt and that I should just grow a thicker skin and not be bothered - but for now, things do hurt, and my emotions are up and down - and avoiding things that cause more hurt is what is right for me at the moment. 

Lying in bed last night, I told Nick, “I think I am going to take a break from Facebook” and he said “I think that would be good” - that was all the confirmation I needed to know that at this time in my life - there are other, more constructive ways to stay in touch with my loved ones.

Updates

I was watching Entertainment Tonight and they had a story about Lisa Ling who had a miscarriage 6 months ago and found out in the same way that we found out about ours- at the first appointment. In her interview, she said that she didn't want to tell her friends, that she felt like a failure. These words ring so true for me - I felt the exact same way for the first several months. It is nice to hear that others have similar stories as mine. Not that I am glad that other people have gone through what I have, but it is nice to hear that my feelings and reaction were not completely out of the ordinary.

We decided to take a break from Clomid. I would have had to start round 4 today - it hasn't worked yet - and I was just ready for a break. According to my doctor's nurse, I can take a break and can pick back up later if I feel so inclined. It's scary to stop taking it because I am afraid that I might be throwing a wrench in the whole process - but at the same time, I am relieved not to take it again for a while. With any luck, I will never have to take clomid again.... (crossing fingers).

I called my insurance company today to ask what they cover for infertility. They cover diagnosis of fertility problems, but they don't cover the treatments at all. So if we ever have to go for an IUI or IVF, we are on our own. I really hope that we don't have to cross that bridge. I wonder how long you try before you go for alternative, more invasive treatments. I don't have the answer to this. My OB doesn't either - he said that any time we are ready, he will refer us. I don't want to make a date for myself because I don't want to add any more pressure to this situation than already exists. Sigh. I just hope that this whole situation works itself out.