The Other Side

As promised - a post about being on the "other side" of the fertility battle. 

Being on the "other side" is a strange and sometimes awkward place to be. Having been on the uphill battle side, you lose your naiveté about the whole getting pregnant process. Those who get pregnant quickly or accidentally (even if they have supported a friend or family member through difficulty getting pregnant) still have a semi blissful - how can I say - non understanding of the process. 

When you are struggling, at first you just chalk it up to not hitting the right dates, not trying hard enough, it not being the right timing. This goes on for 6 months - give or take - then, you start to worry. 

You start to google things - and let me tell you - googling things starts to scare the ever-living-*bleep* out of you. 

You gain a new vocabulary you never thought you would have or need. 

Clomid - a drug you take to make you ovulate

Male Fertility Testing - Test for sperm count and viability

Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) - the doctor they send you to when your OB is not longer good enough 

IUI - the next step you take after 6 attempts at clomid doesn't work

IVF - A seriously expensive way to maybe get pregnant, or maybe just spend a lot of money

Basal Body Temperature - an annoying way to chart your ovulation, every. single. morning.

Ovulation predictor sticks - an expensive way to pee on a stick every day for 7 days in the hopes you get a "surge"

LH Surge - a way to predict you ovulated

Thyroid - A gland that apparently can affect getting pregnant

PCOS - a scary syndrom that can cause you not to get pregnant

Progesterone Testing - to see if you have high progesterone which makes getting pregnant difficult

And on and on...

These become completely normal terms to you - non-strugglers probably know little about them. 

When you are trying - you spend a lot of money trying:

Basal body thermometer

Ovulation predictor sticks - 1 box a month to the tune of $25-40 

Pregnancy tests. Lots and lots and lots and lots of pregnancy tests. 

Clomid

Doctors appointments - co-pays 

Pre-natal vitamins - for months and months

Time. Time googling. Time going to doctors. Time worrying. Time stressing. 

How did I get so off topic - this is supposed to be about being on the other side...

Back to the topic at hand. 

Being on the other side is a strange place to be. I find that, at times, I have had trouble embracing my pregnancy. I am not sure if this is because of the empathy I have for those I know struggling or quite why. Had I just gotten pregnant *bam* right away, I can guarantee I would have made comments on facebook frequently about the baby. 

The happy announcement "we are expecting!"

The miserable posts "I'm so sick"

The happy posts "I'm decorating the nursery!"

The excited "We are having a BOY!"

Etc. Etc. Etc. 

Instead - there were 3 posts I made that referenced being pregnant. 

1. A picture with no description at around 16 weeks

2. A comment on the class reunion page explaining why I might not attend

3. A post stating I was excited about having a glass of red, sleeping on my tummy and going for a run

That's it. 

I couldn't bring myself to possibly be the one to make a post that would hurt the way I hurt every time I saw someone post about their pregnancies. 

Before I had trouble, I fantasized about how I would document the pregnancy. The clothes I would buy. The maternity photo shoot I would book. The classes I would go to. The diary I would keep. None of these happened. I don't know if it was guilt that I was finally on the other side? Worry that it wouldn't work out, even now? Something else entirely? Either way - I was and am excited about being pregnant and ready to have a baby, but there is a part of me that has remained sensitive to what it was like before. 

There are some things that I would tell my "before the other side" self that I would hope she would listen to (but probably wouldn't):

• When you are trying to get pregnant and it isn't working, it starts to consume you. It is in your thoughts all the time. Everyone around you is pregnant. You wonder if it has worked. You take your BBT every morning and look at the chart so many times during the month it wrinkles like an old letter. You google pregnancy symptoms. You google early and very early pregnancy symptoms. You wonder if you should drink that glass of wine. It is on your mind. All. The. Time. You forget about the good things in your life. I would tell myself not to forget the good things in my life. I wasted a whole lot of time hurting, feeling bad, wondering, waiting. I lost months of goodness in my life. I have a wonderful, amazing, respectful, supportive husband. Not everyone has that. I have a beautiful, comfortable, warm and inviting home. Not everyone has that. I get to go on amazing vacations, several times a year. Not everyone has that. I have wonderful, supportive, funny and witty friends. Not everyone has that. I go to the store and pick up the food and items I need and the food and items I want. Not everyone has that. We are financially stable with good jobs, savings, retirement, payments we can afford. Not everyone has that. I am healthy. My husband is healthy. My friends are healthy. My family is healthy. Not everyone has that. I would tell myself that life is damn good - even without getting pregnant. Life is good. 

• I would tell myself to be open about struggling. When I finally stopped skirting the issue and when I finally "came out of the fertility closet" I found that there was so much support out there. So many others who had in the past struggled or who were struggling right along with me. Silently. 

• I would tell myself to stop playing the "nice" card every time someone asked "when are you going to have kids?" If people don't know that you are struggling, they don't know that it is like a knife to the stomach every time you are asked this question. If people are unaware of the prevalence of fertility challenges, they will continue to ask you and others the dreaded question.  By nice card, I mean pretending like we aren't trying or pretending that we are just "seeing what happens" etc. 

• I would tell myself to keep working out. I have never been depresses or depression prone - it's not me. After our D&C, I ran Hood to Coast. That was the last time I worked out. I was so worried that I would hinder our chances of getting pregnant if I continued to work out hard. Working out is my release. It is how I stay happy and healthy. I would tell myself, never stop working out. 

• I would tell myself to consider the alternative - that we would never have kids - for a moment. A brief moment. Then I would tell myself to throw this thought out the window and move on.  Obviously I always had it in my head that we would have kids when we got marries. But clearly, that is not why I married Nick. He is hilarious. He is kind. He is thoughtful. He is supportive. He is stable. He is trustworthy. We love to travel. We love to eat out. We love to go on walks. We love to watch movies. We love to do these things, together. We loved them before we thought about kids and that should continue, regardless of what the future holds. 

I am sure I have more to add - I will add as I think of them but feel like I should post this rather than keep it as a draft and make it "complete" before posting.