Flashback

I have been working on a project. I will post about it once the person I am working on it for receives their present. Part of this project has included going through N's photo's from childhood. I have been scanning a lot of them in and I just couldn't resist putting some of them up - he was just too cute!

 In McCall at the Lake - Oh, so cold!

 With his mom, awww. 

Hollywood! Destined for greatness. 

 

He knew he liked to play in the dirt from the very start. 

Doing what he does best, looking cute. 

With his mom and his puppy Buffy.

N and Buffy. Aw!

First day for First Grade. Oops!

 

Freshman year in high School. No wonder I had a crush on him!

Senior photo. What a hunk! :-)

 And another senior photo. 

Tis the Season

Tis the season to be busy - Family visits, holiday parties, gift exchanges, food, travel, decorating, hosting, cooking, cleaning, packing, unpacking, snow sports, exercising off the food consumed, driving, laughing, taking down the decorations. 

Tis the season for joy and thankfulness - A supportive and understanding husband, my family, a warm and comfortable house, netflix, a dog that follows me around all day and keeps me company, a warm and comfortable bed, amazing food, smiling and laughing, a cabin in McCall, snow, snow sports, a gas fireplace (you only have to push a button), christmas cheer, christmas drinks, traveling, friends that are simply amazing. 

I have been BUSY these past few weeks! One of the benefits of being so busy, especially with fun things, is that I have had very little time to think about the fact that we are still on the long road to having kids. It is my hope that every month can be like this one. I have been enjoying family and friends so much that I have spent very little time moping about the things in my life worth moping over.

Sometimes, I can't believe how long this process can take - I mean - if you ovulate 1x per month (and that is a big if), you only have 12 chances to get pregnant in a year. The reality for me is that I don't really know when I ovulate and my shortest cycles are 31 days - so I am likely to ovulate less the 12 times in one year. (Even on Clomid, my cycles were 31-35 days, how nice). I spend a whole lot of time counting and calculating. It is a wonder that people get pregnant at all- 12 times per year when there are 52 weeks, 365 days - it makes me wonder how the heck there are so many people in the world!

Trying to have kids poses some real issues. Drinking is one such issue. Now, I am not saying that I want to drink all the time. In fact, I would gladly give it up for a chance to be a mom - however - I spend the last 2 weeks of each cycle wringing my hands together, fretting about whether I should have that glass of wine with dinner, that happy hour drink with friends, that relaxing cocktail at family functions. Am I pregnant this cycle? Am I not? It really puts a damper on social functions when you are always wondering, am I? Am I not? It is the same with headache medication, snowboarding and other sports. Those last 2 weeks when you are waiting to take a test - you just sit there and wonder all the time.

Sometimes I wish that we would have just gone off birth control right when we got married and just leave it to chance. Not try, not try not to - and then have that day where surprise! you are pregnant! That would have been so much better - because I would not have had to do all of this research, calculating, taking my temperature before I move in the morning, peeing on sticks to predict ovulation, spending $15 here and $20 there on pregnancy tests, fretting and wondering, worrying. Maybe I never would have known how difficult this process could be because we would have just had that - OMG, we're having a baby! moment. And why didn't we just do that? Because, like all good americans, we followed what you are taught - to be responsible citizens. There was the need to get the house, go on the trips, get the couches and beds, have the high paying jobs, do us things for a while, etc etc etc. Do I regret these things? Definitely not. Would I give them back - no way - but I would have been better off to have given myself and N more perspective - that things are never just perfect - that there will never be a good time.

I can't spend time thinking about what could have been. Heck, for all I know, we would have still been trying even if we would have stopped birth control when we got married at age 24 and 25. And in those years, we have gotten to do many things - we have celebrated 3 years of marriage, traveled to Hawaii 3 times, traveled to Mexico 1 time, traveled to Las Vegas and McCall many times, learned to snowboard, snowshoe, camped, finished half marathons, remodeled, and worked our a**es off! We have had a good time. I don't want our current situation to take away from that good time.

With all that said - this month, I am celebrating my 1 year off birth control anniversary. It is not really something I want to celebrate - but I want to acknowledge that it has been a year. With any luck - we wont make it to any more anniversaries like this one.

Friends - Ross's spray tan

Have you ever seen the Friends episode where Ross gets a spray tan? Here is a Link.

So now that you have seen that- Let me tell you about my "Ross Spray Tan" (RST). My friend Jen and I are going to our husbands' Christmas party tomorrow. I want to look nice, she wants to look nice - so we take my $50 gift certificate to the tanning place and get ourselves a tan. First Jen blew it. She forgot to put barrier lotion on her hands and feet, so they will be orange - or something. I couldn't stop laughing. I never should have laughed. It must have been Karma.

I get in the booth. I thought the spray tan came out, then it blew air, then spray tan, then air repeated 4 times. There are four poses that you do when you spray tan. So I start on my front in the "bear claw" position. The sprayers go down. Beep! Then they go up - I have my eyes closed, I think that it is air. Beep. I change into the right handed running man. Beep. I stay in the right handed running man and I think I get blasted with air again. Beep! Change to Left running man...Beep, stay in left running man. Im in the booth thinking, hm. It felt different on the left hand running man. Beep, turn around, pop the booty for the final pose. Hm. That feels like air. Beep...still feels like air. I look down...OMG! Puddles on my chest, arms, legs. And then it hits me. I was supposed to go through the poses 2 separate times because it does spray tan 4 times, then air 4 times. SERIOUSLY??

I get out of the booth. My face is BLACK. I just got blasted 4 times by spray tan on the front only! F! Are you kidding me?? I madly rubbed off my face and front side. The towel turned brown. So... Spray tan develops over time, and I totally just sprayed my front 4 times and my back 0 times. And the worst part is, I was telling Jen about that episode after she forgot the barrier cream! Then I get in the booth and do the RST. If I was around Bill Ingvall, he would say "here's your sign" - I would win a Darwin Award for beauty disasters. And tomorrow, me and my half tan self will be wearing a turtle neck and hair down and I will likely have a very very tan face. Classy.

Updates

I was watching Entertainment Tonight and they had a story about Lisa Ling who had a miscarriage 6 months ago and found out in the same way that we found out about ours- at the first appointment. In her interview, she said that she didn't want to tell her friends, that she felt like a failure. These words ring so true for me - I felt the exact same way for the first several months. It is nice to hear that others have similar stories as mine. Not that I am glad that other people have gone through what I have, but it is nice to hear that my feelings and reaction were not completely out of the ordinary.

We decided to take a break from Clomid. I would have had to start round 4 today - it hasn't worked yet - and I was just ready for a break. According to my doctor's nurse, I can take a break and can pick back up later if I feel so inclined. It's scary to stop taking it because I am afraid that I might be throwing a wrench in the whole process - but at the same time, I am relieved not to take it again for a while. With any luck, I will never have to take clomid again.... (crossing fingers).

I called my insurance company today to ask what they cover for infertility. They cover diagnosis of fertility problems, but they don't cover the treatments at all. So if we ever have to go for an IUI or IVF, we are on our own. I really hope that we don't have to cross that bridge. I wonder how long you try before you go for alternative, more invasive treatments. I don't have the answer to this. My OB doesn't either - he said that any time we are ready, he will refer us. I don't want to make a date for myself because I don't want to add any more pressure to this situation than already exists. Sigh. I just hope that this whole situation works itself out.

Three Years!

I cannot believe it has been a full three years since we got married! Three years of travel, laughter, fun, tears. Three years with my best friend. So much has happened in three years - the most important of which is that we got to spend that time together. Happy Anniversary!

 Flash back! Sealing the deal.

 Flashback 2. It was coooold out there!

 And Flashback #3. Proof that Nick signed his life away on that cold December day 3 years ago. 

Flash Forward! Happy 3 years!

Pandora's Box -- And something fun!

Pandora's Box

I feel like I have opened Pandora's box - I was so guarded about what had happened and felt like the many times I wanted to talk about something related the last seven months, I couldn't. I have to say - I feel a whole lot better. I want to thank those who wrote comments - hearing other people's stories, or getting support is always helpful. I hope that I didn't come off as sour or un-happy with others who have had more luck than we have. I want to be clear that I am extremely happy for people when things work out. Yes it stings sometimes. Yes I get down sometimes - but overall, I am happy. I have good health, an amazing husband, wonderful friends, a home that is comfortable, and the luxury to be able to stay home after losing my job without worry that we will lose what we have worked hard for. I am thankful that my husband has been so supportive of both my loss of job and the loss we experienced in July. He has been so amazing thru this whole process. Thru this whole year. 

I would also like to add that I don't want to be handled with kid gloves. If you get pregnant, while I may hurt, I want you to share your joy. I want to share in your joy. Be patient with me. I promise - I am still the supportive and happy friend that you have always known. Maybe the only time to handle me with kid gloves is when you have normal pregnancy symptoms. Like I said earlier - I would love to feel all of these - to know that I was on my way to being a parent - so if you are miserable in your pregnancy I may not be the best person to complain to. 

Today - it was confirmed that cycle 3 clomid did not work. I didn't cry. That was a big step. Maybe I will end up crying, maybe I won't. I moped a little but then I moved on. I am keeping busy. I made Puffed Oven Pancakes for breakfast and then I have busied myself putting together this blog post. On Monday, I will turn my basal chart over to my doctor and see what he has to say - I vote that I stop taking clomid - see what happens. At our last appointment, he told me that any time I wanted to start seeing a specialist, I could. I - We - are not there yet. Specialists are not covered by insurance. It gets expensive - quickly. I will keep you posted on what the MD says about the basal chart. 

Switching Gears-

I was looking thru pictures on our external hard drive and found our house pictures. Sometimes I look around at our house and think, man, we have so much left to do. But then I looked at these pictures and realized how far we have come!! I have added some before and after photos below. 

Our Kitchen before. 

 The Walls were so dark, the room so small. The blue tape that goes across the sink and down on the floor represents where we were originally going to put the new island. It didn't end up going there. 

 The oven is now at the cabin in McCall. 

 During the demolition process. 

 And more demolition. 

 And then the demolition of the island. And the discovery of a mouse mecca with dog food galore under the sink cabinet. GROSSEST THING EVER!

 And After. There are still small things like the backsplash left to do, but overall, it is done!

 Island. 

Chalkboard, pot rack.  

 This was the before of the family room. The photo is taken from where the island in the kitchen is now. I forgot how ugly it was. 

 This picture turned out dark, but this is after. New doors, New floors, New paint. 

There we go! This one turned out a little brighter! Side note - The blue wall was red up until 3 days ago. The red was a little much in this room. It clashed with the dark green couches and picked up the wrong colors in the painting. I painted it Newburyport Blue, a Benjamin Moore color from the Pottery Barn catalogue. You can take the color name to Home Depot and they will make if for you - much less expensively. I used the Behr primer and paint in 1. It covered the red in 1 coat. Yes, 1 coat!! I have to say, I like it a whole lot better than I liked the red.




Something Fun!

 Final score, Ducks v. Beavers at Reeser stadium. Ducks 37 - Beavers 20

 And we are #1!! (ok, #2 but whatever) and we are going to the National Championship Game!! Nick and I will be traveling down to Glendale, AZ! Our tickets have been purchased and will be sent sometime next week! Merry Christmas to us!

Trooper likes the fire! So handsome!

A much debated post

I have been debating posting this for quite some time. I struggle with what this blog is about sometimes. I am not sure if it is a place for me to talk about whatever I have on my mind that day? A place to follow what we are up to? I suppose it is both. I also don't really know who follows my blog, so the fear of the unknown makes it that much for difficult to determine what to share.

That being said - I follow blogs that have been very helpful to me, helpful to know that there are other people going through what I am going through. I am always impressed with people's honesty and openness about their lives including the good and the bad. So many of these women have so much humor and grace when talking about whatever it is that they are going through at the time.

So here it goes. We are struggling with getting pregnant. Whew, I said it! That was actually very difficult to say out loud.

When you decide it is time to try, there are naturally those fears - what if I am one of the people who has issues getting pregnant? But you never actually think that you will be one of the people who struggle. And, in fact, we didn't struggle. At least, not at first.

We started trying in May. Well, scratch that. We weren't trying but weren't not trying from December 2009 to May. May was the first month that we paid attention. That whole experience seemed to be meant to be. I had some ovulation predictor test sticks from a friend and randomly decided to try it out - what do you know? The random day that I picked said positive! So, we did what you are supposed to do for the next several days. Fast forward 2.5 weeks - Tada! The pregnancy test was positive!! I remember Nick said something like-I don't know what you were so worried about, clearly it happened right away! Now - the reason I was so worried was because I have never been what you call regular - so tracking was going to be a huge problem for us, and I knew that. But fate stepped in and allowed me to take a test on the very day that I needed to!

Ok. So I did all of the things that you are supposed to do. I had already been taking a prenatal, I stopped caffeine, I ate well, no drinking, early to bed and I made an appointment to see my OB, one that I had never seen because I actually didn't have an OB yet.

I felt really lucky. Other than being really tired, I wasn't all that symptomatic. It was pretty great. Well, that's actually not true. My symptoms all but disappeared after the first several weeks. I was a little concerned, but everyone I had told (which was such a small list that not even my parents knew) assured me that things were fine and I would feel so much better once I saw my OB. My appointment was not until 9 weeks. That was an absolute eternity!

So - the day finally arrived - July 6! OB appointment day. My appointment got pushed back and Nick couldn't come. That's ok! I will bring him pictures! My doc was amazing. He sat in the room with me at the beginning of the appointment and let me ask every question I had. He just talked to me for easily a half an hour. Then we took off for the ultrasound room - Hurray!

My OB does his own ultrasounds, which was nice. He cracked a joke right before and then got started. I was staring at my part of the screen, excited to see the little guy, excited to hear the heart beat. It was grey and black, and then voila! A round circle and something else. The doc was quiet, very quiet. He moved the wand this way and that - then his eyes met mine. Nothing really sunk in, I knew the look was not a good look. He sighed. "It's not good?" I asked. He sighed again. He flipped a switch - white noise. This was the moment I was supposed to hear a heartbeat. There was nothing.

I didn't even cry. I was so numb and shocked. I think the only thing I asked was "when can we try again?" I didn't even ask, are you sure? What the heck was wrong with me. Who doesn't ask - are you sure? He left the room and came back with 3 papers. My options. This was not how I thought things would go.

Option 1: let my body do the rejection naturally - however, I had technically "miscarried" at 5 weeks - I was at 9. Waiting didn't seem like a good option. At least not to me. 4 weeks had passed since things should have ended. I didn't want the process to go on anymore.
Option 2: Take some pill that would hopefully make things miscarry - but in many cases, people have to go in for option 3 anyway.
Option 3: Get a D&C. I had never heard of one of these - but found out it is a surgical procedure where they remove things for you.

After chatting about it for a few moments and then realizing that I just wanted to be done with this experience and wanted to start trying soon and didn't want to have to wait for the inevitable-so we set the D&C date - July 7. The next day. They day I was supposed to be celebrating with the first picture of my little life. The day I was supposed to be making plans for the future.

I had to have blood drawn to check my thyroid and other things that might affect getting pregnant. I was escorted back to the waiting room. There was a happy grandma with a baby, a pregnant woman. Delightful. I couldn't look at any of them. I must have looked like the most sour person on the planet. I had a right to.

I went back to work. I don't know why. I just didn't know what to do. I talked to my manager T. I told her why I couldn't come in the next day. She was great. She told the other managers that I was taking the next day off - didn't give them a reason. One manager, G, who I had a lot of work to complete for said "I hope you have fun doing whatever you are doing tomorrow" in a sour tone. I wanted to cry. I wanted to yell at him. But I just smiled and walked away.

The procedure went without a hitch. I am pretty sure we even went out for a social engagement that night. Yes, come to think of it, we did. I was numb that July day. Completely numb. The next day, I was home alone. I went for a walk with our dog Trooper. I cried. I cried the whole walk. I worked out in the yard. I cried. I cried for a good week straight. I was down, I was depressed, I was miserable, I was angry, I wondered "why me" over an over. People did their best to comfort me. I wanted to tell people, just tell me, it's ok to feel how you feel. But I didn't, and they didn't.

People mean well, I know that they do - but that didn't help the pain I felt every time I heard "you're young, don't worry" "people have miscarriages all the time" "things will happen when they are meant to happen" "it wasn't meant to be" "aren't you glad you didn't have to carry a baby that had severe problems" and on and on. It also didn't help that EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE around me was getting pregnant. With their first. With their second. Third. Fourth. Fifth. And not a single one of them miscarried. I was due February 10. I personally know 5 people due in February. Stupid February. I have had to watch as people who got pregnant after me have had their "sex" ultrasounds.

People mean well, I know they do. I have to keep reminding myself that they do. That can be hard when you hear "my back hurts so bad, you definitely are lucky you aren't feeling like this" "I am so sick, it really sucks, at least you don't have to be sick" "you are so lucky you can drink at holiday parties" "I am so uncomfortable, you are so lucky you can go running and not hurt" - It takes everything I have to hold my tongue. I swear, I will never complain when I am pregnant. I know what it feels like to hear the complaints and have it feel like a knife to the stomach. Don't these people realize that I would give anything, ANYTHING to puke every day? To have a backache? It's not fair. But I am working very hard to think about the things that I have in my life that I am so thankful for. And believe me, I have worked very hard at this and I have a LOT to be thankful for.

Facebook. Facebook can be evil. I can't even tell you how many posts people make about being pregnant. First it is the happy announcement! Then the "I'm so miserable with this morning sickness" the "I'm so exhausted" and on and on and on. I feel a twinge every time I read one of these. I have even debated getting off from Facebook because it hurts. And it is not that I am not happy for these people - I am. But it still hurts.

July turned to August - no normal cycle. No chance of trying. August turned to September. Still no cycle. The doc and I decided that since my cycles were so up and down, that I would try clomid to regulate. I started clomid in September. I half expected it to work the first month. It didn't. I cried. (I say I cried after all of these because frankly, I am not a crier). Month 2, I started basal body charting too. This made me feel old. It made this feel like such a procedure. It wasn't as much fun anymore. Month 2 ended. I cried. Cycle 3 on clomid is coming to a close. I know it didn't work - I haven't cried yet, but when I know for sure it didn't work, I am sure I will cry.

If you consider trying, the time that you stop taking any type of birth control, it has been a year. If you consider when we actually tried, it has been 7 months. If it is a year - the word "infertility" enters the picture. I don't want that. I have another round of clomid in my drawer. I don't think I will take it this time around. The first time, we got pregnant naturally. Clomid hasn't worked and we have done everything right. It makes me moody, touchy, angry, short tempered. I don't like being like this. So I just have to hope that we can time things right. That my cycles will regulate.

This is not what I expected when we decided to start trying. I thought it would go smoothly. I have gone through every emotion. I still go thru every emotion. It hasn't really gotten much easier. I am less angry - so thats good. I am more numb. It feels more "normal."

I deal with all kinds of un-indended issued related to this experience. It is very hard for me to be around people with new babies. Or people about to have babies. I have thought about the baby showers that will be coming up. I don't think I can go. It will just hurt too much. I don't really hold people's babies. It hurts too much. I have put up all kinds of defense mechanisms to try to protect myself. I have read blogs of people going thru this - it helps - a little. I wake up on many mornings and wonder how it is fair that we got dealt this hand.

Don't get me wrong. I am happy. I have a very full life. I have wonderful friends and family. But I still throw myself a pity party sometimes. I feel like I deserve to do it some times.

So there is is - out in the open. I have been holding it in for a long long time. I don't know if I feel better - but maybe I can finally start talking about it.

Budgets and spending

One very interesting and unexpected aspect of staying home has been increased awareness and focus on spending/budgeting. I am not sure I realized just how expensive having a job can really be.

Expenses of a job:
The wardrobe (dress clothes are really pricey!)
Dry cleaning
Laundry more often (dress clothes are swathed for workout clothes are switched for casual)
Fuel (I was spending upwards of $60 per week on gas, plus wear and tear on my car
Lunch out
Coffee 1-2x per day
Dinner out or the quick stop for convienience foods at the store in my rush to get home
Shopping on the way home to get things we really didn't need

There was also a premium that I was willing to pay for convenience and things that I just didn't think about much. Leaving the heat up, buying movies, stocking up on picture frames for a frame wall and then never putting them up, buying tons of paint colors, tiles, etc looking for the perfect things to finish off our home but never retiring them...

I find that staying home has actually saved a sizable amount of money- surprising given the fact that I took a take-home pay cut of 50%! I just think that there was very little focus on what was actually going out the door and so much more focus on convenience.

---------------

We had a really great weekend this past weekend. We attended the beaver/ duck game and I a pleased to announce that the ducks won and we will be going to Glendale Arizona to watch the ducks battle it out for the bcd number 1 national title!

I joined my brother, his girlfriend Sara, my sister Ali and her 2 kids tanner and Jordan plus my parents at the Portland zoo for zoo lights! As always, the display didn't disappoint and I recommend it to everyone!

Retirement...er....unemployment

Retirement has suited me well, surprisingly. Now-I'm not saying that I haven't been looking for work, putting in applications here and there- but let me tell you, I don't know how Nick and I got by with two stressful jobs! I can't even begin to tell you how busy I have been. This is surprising given the fact that two weeks ago, i was worried about what I would do with my days.

So, two weeks into early retirement, what have been up to?
-cleaning the house
-doing laundry
-making lunches for the husband
-painting the bathroom
-organizing
-cooking dinners
-going to the gym
-volunteering at a physical therapy clinic
-setting up budgets and money tracking
-working on design ideas for the house
-spending time with friends
-peeling wall paper (I really hate this task)

I love the job of taking care of my little family! I feel like it is the most important job I have ever done and I actually take it very seriously. I just love having the house all put together, it makes me feel so accomplished! I have so many ideas for our home and cant wait to continue implementing these ideas. Finishing the bathroom is top priority! Oh, and I think i might paint my mailbox bright green and do yellow ducks lettering.

Speaking of- the civil war is on Saturday at Reeser stadium...and if the ducks win, we go to the national championship game! That's right, my ducks might go to the national championship!


Ok, well,, that's all for now folks. Ps. If there are spelling errors, sorry! I typed on the iPad :-)

A November to Remember

As you all may recall-I left my longtime job as a public accountant/financial statement auditor in September to join the private world of accounting and try my legs as a controller for a local construction company. Well - my legs did not fair well. Last Wednesday was my last day in this role and I am a little embarrassed to say, I am unemployed (I like home engineer a little better!). The embarrassment comes not from being unemployed or losing this particular job - it is merely strange for a person like me, who has worked so many hours and put forth so much effort into her career to wake up one day and not have one anymore.

Nick and I fully intended on having me stay home when we had kids, so it is not like we had planned on me working forever, but we weren't really expecting for me to stay home before the kids came into the picture. So with that, I guess I have finally come out and said it - I have joined the ranks of the statistical unemployed.

Now, before you start feeling too horrible for me - know that while I wasn't planning on leaving the new job that I started quite this soon, I did plan on leaving it eventually. Quite frankly, the environment was not good for me. There was no training and while I am usually a self starter, I had never done 90% of what I was supposed to be doing, so I spent much of my time being very frustrated trying to figure out what I was expected to be doing and learning what to do but having no direction to know what I was supposed to be learning in the first place - confused? Me too. I didn't particularly bond or connect with the people I was working with, a stark contrast to my previous job where I made and have remained friends with many of my fellow co-workers. I tend to describe the environment that I just left as toxic. It had a deep effect on me, my husband and our happy home life. I spent my days in this toxic, confusing and frustrating environment and inadvertently brought the frustration home with me. These past few months were and interesting anomaly and blip in our otherwise happy life together.


Deep breath - I finally came out and said it, albeit a week late - but there - I am currently a domestic engineer. Between sending in applications (which by the way, there are no jobs out there right now) and cleaning our house / taking care of our family, I have stayed very busy. The first thing I did when I lost my job was sit down and make a budget. I have never really set up a serious budget for us, I never really had to - and yea, I know, and accountant with out a budget *gasp* but whatever, I like to live on the edge.

Thankfully, we had taken a look at our finances a few months back when we decided it was time to start trying for a family. We were able to identify places to make improvements to so that eventually, I could stay home. Thankfully the second - we have always lived rather under our means and been very serious savers/pay down our debt types. And thankfully the third, with my increase in income that my (now gone) job brought, we were very focused on paying things off. In those 2 months, we eradicated our credit card debt, paid off my very last student loan, massively paid down my car, massively paid down our house and airstream trailer and re-financed our house. All I can say is, thankfully, we did all of this! It makes the loss of my income a whole lot easier to swallow and a whole lot easier to deal with!

Dogs are Carefree

My dog could teach me (and others) a thing or two about life, optomism and happiness.

• He is always excited to see his "people"
• He asks for very little (food, attention, exercise and being let out when he needs to go)
• He is an amazing cuddler and is a.o.k if we move him around to make ourselves more comfortable
• We neutered him and doesn't seem to care that he is missing important "man parts"
• From a dead sleep, he is ready to go at a moments notice
• He never complains about car trips, no matter how long
• Even after we leave him in the car, he is still just happy that we came back

Sometimes it is hard not to allow myself to get down about the things that aren't going right in my life. I should only have to look as far as my puppy to see that you don't really need much to be happy. There are things that I want that aren't happening as quickly as I would like - expanding our family and finishing our house - and I admit, I get really down about these things, namely, the expanding our family part - but what I should do is look to my puppy and realize that while there are things that I want that aren't panning out for me, I have a lot to be really happy about.

Challenge

I am issuing myself a challenge - and perhaps, by committing it to writing, I will stick to it. The summer and these last couple of months were very expensive between weddings, parties, booking travel arrangements for various trips, maintenence on my 150,000 mile having car and other misc expenses. It is time to get on the saving band wagon or as The Coach's Wife says - It is time to be a mighty budgeteer!

In the month of November I will not:

1. Buy things I don't absolutely need
2. Purchase any articles of clothing, shoes or other such non-necessities
3. Purchase new household items

In the month of November I will:

1. Continue to pay things off quickly
2. Inquire about refinancing to the lower rates that are out there right now
3. Focus on the things I have at home for decorating and put the time into finishing long overdue projects

Piles of Leaves

I love my maple trees. I have 2 japanese maples and 6 regular sized maples. They act as amazing privacy screens with their greens during the spring and summer and thier bright orange and yellows in the fall. I love those trees. Until they drop their leaves. I feel like I am drowning under a pile of leaves with nowhere to put them. Our garbage company gives us a bin to put organic compostable items in. This took care of less than 1/8th of the leaf pile. And then there is the problem of privacy lost. We are waiting for our inscense cedar trees to mature and fill in so that they offer a more complete privacy screen between us and the house next door. When the maples are bare, it becomes more obvious that our inscense cedars have a ways to go.

Last night, I started on my first "crafty" project. I really wish that I could just fill my house with pottery barn and resoration hardware - but I will have to wait to be independently wealthy for that. When we re-did our kitchen, we put the kitchen cabinets in the garage for a workspace for Nick. I used one of the left over doors and painted chalkboard paint on part and mahogany stain on the frame part. Then Nick and I wiped some of the stain to give a weathered look. We need to go to home depot and get some brackets and some hardware to hang it. I am not sure where it will go yet, but it should be a really neat sign when it is done.

I have been stalking blogs of DIY home improvement buffs and I have to say, I am semi adicted. People are so creative! Among things that I want to do - A door table or barnwood table, my own picture frames and an entryway table (only longer). I will be sure to take pictures as these projects get complete.

Example of a long table that I just love

Door Table. It is delightful and so beautiful!

Correction

Oh English- "The air was like soup" is a simile - silly me!

I have started to Christmas shop a little. Ok, so I purchased on thing for one person - but still, it is a start. I have been thinking more and more about christmas decorations. We haven't decorated our house for Christmas ever because we generally go to McCall. This year, whether we go to McCall or not, I would love to put some Christmas spirit into our home. I have been browsing for ideas - however, I have made the mistake of looking at Pottery Barn for ideas. Big mistake. I need to learn how to be either crafty or better at shopping in a thrifty way (and have some imagination) or I will go broke in my attempt to decorate.

Example A (see stocking pic above): I priced out 3 stockings with monograms. 1 for me, 1 for Nick and 1 for Trooper - $101.00. What?? For some fabric with a name? Add the stocking holders and you are now up to $170. Sigh. That's a lot of money just for stockings and holders. Never you mind the amount that would need to be spent to make a complete pottery barn look. I can only imagine just 1 of their tree's all decked out would be in the neigborhood of $2,000. Yes, thrifty is what I need to learn to be. Or maybe just crafty.

I think a girls night/craft night is in order. Each girl should have some christmas decoration idea that they can share...maybe we do it all in 1 night, maybe in multiple nights...but I am in sore need of some guidance. I would love to open my home to all - so girls? Who is with me?

Mmmmm. Flannel

It is the time of year when drinks are warm, food is rich and comforting and the summer bedding is replaced with flannel. Cozy, soft, comforting. I love flannel. I especially love when it gets to be worn and has that soft, almost silky feel.

Nick and I just returned from a 12 day trip and it was everything a 12 day trip should be - relaxing. But more on the actual trip later.

We read a book (well, I read a book out loud to Nick) while we were traveling. We have never done this before, but let me tell you - it sure passes the time. The book was a good thriller, and action book called The Killing Floor. Not the best writing by any stretch, but a good read for anyone if they are looking for mindless entertainment. The author used a metaphor that I can't seem to get out of my head. "The air was like soup."

Hmmmm. I feel like this should be included in funny metaphors that teachers encounter - It was certainly out of place in the book. I am not sure I would ever want to go to a place where the air felt like soup - sounds distasteful, to say the least.

Moving on.

I learned that you can substitute greek yogurt for recipies that call for oil. We made brownies this way. The recipe called for 1 egg, oil and water. Sub the oil out and use greek yogurt. It has more protein, is healthier, fluffier and has a moist texture. I will never use oil in baking again - trust me - give it a try. I used Fage plain greek yogurt. Seriously. Give it a try.

The one problem with vacation is the pile of work you have when you return. My desk is piled high with all kinds of projects. Our yard is full of leaves (thankfully, the trees have shed all the leaves!), the grass is long, etc. Last night, I mopped, vacumed, unpacked, cleaned the sink and counters, did a load of laundry, picked up, dusted....and there is oh so much more to do. I will save the rest for another day.

#1 Oregon Ducks

Unfortunately, I have to work so I don't get to go to the game, but today - #1 Oregon takes on UCLA. Oregon has never been ranked #1. I am so nervous about the game! When you are #1 in the nation, everyone wants to take you down - and with so much season left with a lot of tough games, I am very anxious for the Ducks to win this game and hold their title. Nick and George (his dad) will get to feel the excitement of Autzen and enjoy the noise! I am happy that they are able to take the time away from work to go!

Tumalo State Park

This weekend, we took a trip to Tumalo State Park (just north of Bend) with the airstream. The purpose of the trip was twofold, first, we needed a break - and what better way to take one than taking off on the open road with the airstream. The second purpose for the trip was to see how well the airtream would do in cold temperatures at night. The answer? Wonderfully. We stayed warm using the furnace which runs off of propane. 

Our campsite was wonderful. Located off the beaten track among ponderosa pines and juniper, sagebrush and dust. I love central oregon - the air is dry, the smell of ponderosa pines fill the air. My hair and skin like the dry better, that is an added plus. 

We spent the weekend relaxing. We slept in (until 8am), took a walk along the river (the Tumalo river, I believe), went in to Tumalo and had a cup of coffee, shopped in downtown bend, ate pizza at 10 Barrel Brewing, Co., sat by the campfire and read and had an amazing dinner at Tumalo Feed Company. The weather was beautiful, nice cool mornings, tee shirt and capri weather in the afternoon. It was wonderful to spend time with Nick and Trooper. Nick has gone to work (nights) and so, his weekend has come to a close. 

Nick in front of the river on one of our walks. 

Nick and Trooper warming up by the fire. 

 Trooper stealing Nick's chair, and me enjoying a book by the fire. 

 The airstream on the way home with Mount Hood ahead.

Our family in front of the Tumalo River. 

Fall's crispness in the air

Extra has a new gum out called dessert delights. I can't decide if that is "delightful" or "disgusting" - I am leaning towards the latter.

Trooper got to play with Porter, an Australian Shepherd who is the "son" of one of my old co-workers from AKT. It was great to catch up with her and to watch Trooper run all out with his new buddy. Trooper has a dominance issue, he tries to do mattress mambo with male dogs, which despite me trying to tell him this is not appropriate or wanted by the receiving party, he chooses to ignore and continuously tries to do his thing. Dogs can be so gross.

I find that it gets harder and harder to work the closer you get to vacation. I am 10 days and counting until a 12 day vacation and I find that I will catch myself gazing into the distance, thinking about our vacation, our plans, what we will do, where we will go, what we will see and who we will meet. I can't help myself. Some people work to live (me) and others live to work (my father in-law would be an example of the second type of person). The end of the day is the worst. I will sit there and just imagine my time off - bask in the glory of just thinking about it.

Speaking of trips and time off - Nick and I will be taking the Airstream on a trip to Tumalo State Park just north of Bend (between Bend and Sisters) for a weekend away with the puppy. On the agenda - A walk by the river, dinner at the Tumalo Feed Company, some sisters coffee, relaxation, and definitely some walking around Bend and going into some of the cute little shops that they have all over. I am very very excited about the coffee. Nothing says relaxation to me like a nice cup of coffee (I really like cappuccino's right now) sitting outside (or inside looking outside) and just contemplating life. I actually dream of the day that Nick and I build our timber home on a bluff overlooking our beautiful acreage - waking up in the early morning, sitting on the deck with a fresh cup of espresso, looking out at the beaty that surrounds - wrapped in a blanket, with down booties and flannel pj's. Yes, I have thought about it a whole lot. I, embarassingly, have most of the details ironed out in my mind :-)

The leaves have begun to change and fall with more fervor - and the constant barrage of political commercials reminds me that November is near. Where did the year go? Despite wondering how we are closing in on the end of 2010 (a mere 80 days away!), we are coming into my favorite time of year. I love the cool crisp mornings of fall - the smell of the air as it begins to feel more like snow. I love the color of the trees, with all the reds, yellows, greens and oranges. I love fall fashion, with the tans, browns, long sleeves, turtlenecks. Summer wear has a way of looking trashy and cheap when compared to the rich warmness of fall / winter wear. I love when the sky is bright blue, dotted with puff white clouds - contrasted with the fall colors and the coolness in the air. The grass turns green after a summer of yellow - the gophers stop putting holes in my lawn. People begin to put out their holiday decor. The business of summer begins to die down. Evenings out are replaced with relaxing evenings in. The hustle and bustle of overcommitted summer finally comes to an end. I always feel more centered in my marriage and life during the fall and winter. We have so much more time together - and it is such a cozy, home-centered time.

As for current events in the world - Courtney Cox and David Arquette separated, Christina Aguilara and Jordan Bratman separated - earth shattering, I know. Miners that have been trapped underground in Chile for 2 months are on the brink of being rescued (there 33 of them!) and the DOW is at 11,020.

Things found in...And weekend happenings

Being the wife of a guy who works outside most of the time, I have had to adapt to finding things in places I don't want to find them in.

Things found in the washer and dryer-
*Rocks
*Earplugs
*Dirt/dust
*Concrete chunks
*Coins/money
*Wrappers

Things found in the wallet-
*Dust
*Rocks
*Dust
*More Dust

Things found on the bedside table-
*Earplugs
*Small tools
*Rocks
*Dust/Dirt
*Keys - not just a few keys either, a LOT of keys

Not on the same topic, but things done this weekend-
*Determined the leak in the airstream that was "fixed" when we picked it up wasn't fixed
*Talked to my little sister on the phone
*Hosted a dinner with my little brother, Jenn, Kacy, their baby Hudson, Doug, Ruthie, Holly and George
*Cleaned the house top to bottom
*Planted flower bulbs for the spring
*Watched Spy Game on Netflix (pretty good!)
*Cheered for the Ducks who won and took the #2 spot this week
*Went to dinner at Manzana with Derrick and Nick
*Watched it rain - cleaned out the gutters in the rain because they were overflowing
*Burned the burn pile

Blogging

I admit, I am a bit of a blog stalker. I like to check up on people who post frequently. Some people are so good about posting. Somehow, they make the mundane day-to-day happenings seem so interesting. I think that a good blogger is a blogger who is willing to be candid and open about thier life - they are someone who is willing to share all of life's happenings without worry about what others might think. I struggle with this openness. I struggle with trying to balance personal life, the life that should be recorded in a diary, and public life - the life that would be recorded on a blog such as this one for the world to see.

I end up erroring on the side of caution and not really sharing anything of subtance or opening up about things that are going on in my life or the lives of those around me. I worry about over-sharing, I worry about hurting people's feelings if I were to be candid about those who surround me - you get the idea. I worry.

Complete tangent. I worry a lot. I don't know if it is something that a person is born with or if some people just allow themselves to be caught up with worry more than others. I worry about strange things. I don't ever worry about being robbed, running alone, walking in the dark, being home alone - which are the things that most women would be worried about. I worry about life. Will I ever find a career that I love. Will I ever be able to have kids. I worry about how I can plan out my life to make sure that it goes according to plan. I worry about being able to put a certain amount of money away by a certain date. I totally nerd out on this one - I make spreadsheets with imaginary budgets, adjusting numbers around and determining how much can be saved in x amount of time - this particular past time makes me feel like the biggest nerd of all time. But whatever - I do it a lot.

Anyway - what was I writing about before - oh yes, blogging. There are so many things that I have wanted to share on here. So many feelings that I have, so many experiences that we have been through - but then I fear that I will overshare. I don't know what the happy medium is for this. And I am not entirely sure what the fear is - is it that people will judge me? Pity me? Give me unwanted advice? Maybe all of the above. Or maybe I fear that people would be indifferent.

I haven't made any earth shattering decisions on the above - so don't get your expectations too high for my blog to suddenly reflect me on a super personal level - I don't know that I am quite there yet. Maybe soon. Maybe never.

So with that - here is a little tidbit on my life in the past week
*I drive 70 miles round trip to work daily - start at 7 and end at 4
*I wear jeans to work now. I will never stop smiling about that.
*My car went to the shop on Wednesday for a new timing belt. It got a bunch of other stuff because the guy called and said it needed all this other stuff done - I wonder if I got scammed.
*I mowed 1/2 of the front acre the other day - then Janelle (neigbor) walked by with her dog rain and I joined them. My yard looks like it has a mohawk. Maybe I should dye the long part orange.
*I cooked pumpkin bread using a pumpkin that I grew in the garden. It was delishious.

Jessica and Neil Wedding Photo - The Girls.

Some of Summer - in Photos

Ashley Moved away - so she had an 80's going away party!

Tom Petty came to the Gorge! (Jess, Amanda, Me)

Missie got married, so naturally, we had a bachelorette party! (Me, Jill, Lindsey, Missie, Molly, Karissa, Missie's cousin, Brooke)

Jessica got Married, thus, bachelorette #2! (Amanda, Me, Monique, Sarah)

The beautiful bride, Jessica!

There were props at Jessica's wedding. So funny (Amanda, Me)

I really enjoyed the props. 

In the mean time - Nick and Trooper worked... 

Trooper is super helpful!

Not sure what this is, but I am sure it was complex.

The fence nick build at our house. He welded all the metal and build everything, design to finish.