Breastfeeding

* I should preface this post by saying I wrote it with a joking tone so don't read it like I am angry or upset. You have to read it with some sarcasm and humor. Wish I was better at having this come across in my writing *

I totally love this guys. So sweet. He still has a cold - or perhaps a new cold. Who knows.

So breastfeeding. 

If you would have asked me how it was going, I would have said OK.

I would say it wasn't the most smooth experience, but not the least. Things were going well. 

If there is one thing that causes me anxiety, it is breastfeeding. Out of all the things that being a parent has brought, nothing makes me more anxious than breastfeeding. 

At this point, now that Bear is almost 2 months, there is no anxiety involved when we are at home. In fact, none when we travel and I feed him in the car either. 

In the beginning, Bear would push against me with all his surprisingly strong might when I would push him in to latch. Sometimes he would be hysterically hungry but wouldn't stop fighting. I would have to have Nick hold his hands so I could get him all hooked up. 

Now that he has stopped fighting, we still have some issues. My milk comes in when he is eating now. My let down is super fast anyway and he eats in usually less than 5 minutes. Yea, we are super lucky. But since my milk rushes in while he is eating, it comes so fast that he can't deal so he will come unlatched and gets sprayed. Super fun. 

Thing is, I don't have the kind of kid that I can hook up and he will stay under a blanket and I don't have to constantly look at him and make sure things are going well. 

So basically, I don't feed in public. Which limits where and when I can go places. 

I pretty much thought that breastfeeding was an inconvenience but going ok.

Then I went to a baby shower on Sunday. 

In walks my friend A.S. with her 9 DAY old baby. She was already out and about at 3 DAYS going tanning for starters. Cue the envy - I struggled to make it to the pediatrician because I had a 2 hour window from start of feeding to the next feeding and I certainly wasn't going to feed in public. 

I kid you not - she was standing in the kitchen (yes STANDING), holding the 9 day old with a blanket draped over her, feeding her baby - who nicely stayed latched on the WHOLE time, while she was STANDING and having CONVERSATIONS with people. 

And basically, at that moment. I felt like the most inadequate and awful breastfeeder in the world. I went from feeling like I was a calm, cool and collected - independent mom to feeling like I was none of the above. Basically, A.S. with her 9 DAY old baby had EVERYTHING baby related more figured out than I did with my 8 WEEK 2 DAY old baby. 

There is nothing like a super mom type to make you feel a little jealous - perhaps a little inadequate. Okay, a lot inadequate. 

Did I mention this is her first child?