Asking for the Moon

If you know me, you know one thing. 

I L.O.V.E. being a mom. 

Never in a million years could I have imagined I would love it this much. Never could I have imagined I would love staying home so much. I love it. 

If you know me, you also know that I am always looking for the "next big thing" in life. If I am working, I am looking on the internet for a new, better, more amazing job. I am just the type of person who never seems settled, never is ok with staying in one place, doing the same thing. 

Being a stay at home mom is the first time I have ever, in my life, been settled. 

I love it. 

I don't look for other things. I don't search, dream or hope for more. I am right where I want to be. At home being a mom. On the days that I don't leave the house, I don't miss adult time. I don't miss dressing up. I don't miss going out. I am happy. 

Then came REI. I randomly got a call from them - would I be interested. And because it was something I had always thought about doing, I said sure. 700 people applied. They hired 7. I was one of the 7. Part of the 1%. 

The hours were more than I wanted but we got that worked out. 4 hours a week. 

Perfect. 

And a discount on the stuff we use. 

Great. 

Then I got an e-mail from the company I worked for as an independent accountant while pregnant and would I be interested in 3 days a week. 

No.

I asked if they were open to some working from home time. 

Sure. 1 day from home, 2 from the office. 

The deal still wasn't sweet enough. 

So I asked for the moon. And some stars. 

I asked for a lot of money. 

They said yes. 

Oops. 

So now we embark on a new chapter. One in which I see how 2 days of childcare work for us a week. One in which I test how I deal with being away from my tiny. How I deal with missing the best part of me. How I deal with being a "working mom" - and if the moon (my huger than I could ever have imagined hourly check) is worth it. 

My heart hurts at the thought of leaving my tiny. The first center I visited, I cried when I left. Not the place for us. 

And the thing is, the pay is enough for a nanny. But I live on one side of town and the office is on the other. 30 minutes without traffic. A whole lot more with. I want him close. I want to see him during the day. I want to drop in and feed him. We are still breastfeeding. So the best is a center. 

My heart still hurts. 

Because as I said above. I love staying home. 

So this will be a trial. I have no expectations and this may be shortlived.

 Or maybe it will be great.