The Chelsea Handler of Pregnancy

**I am pretty sure that most everyone who reads my blog is female – so I feel a little better putting this post up. In addition, I hope I can make the assumption that this little post will not offend anyone. Alright, that was my little disclosure. **

So, Nick and I are driving down the road yesterday on our way to Sparky’s pizza (yum!) and I am talking (more on the what in a moment). He stops me in the middle of me talking and says –

“You are totally the Chelsea Handler of pregnancy.” 

I had to think that over for a minute. Um yep. Totally the Chelsea Handler of pregnancy.

Now Chelsea Handler is opinionated, un-censored, bla bla bla. I am not sure that I am necessarily inappropriate like her, but she is definitely not all ushy gushy, ooey gooey about stuff – and this is where I am like her.

I had to add that I found, through reading the hysterically funny “Belly Laughs,” that I am not unlike Jenny McCarthy either.

And so here is why, as a pregnant person, I am like these un-censored, super comical women.

Many women feel like they are in touch with a whole new side of themselves when they are pregnant. They feel womanly, they relish in the sensation of the baby moving, they feel very earth mama – in touch with their inner granola, they love the connection they build with their baby while it is in the womb, they daydream, they talk to their little bean, etc etc etc. You get the point. I however, do not.

So here was the conversation that caused Nick to tell me I was the Chelsea Handler of Pregnancy (again, no one better take any offense – I mean no harm, promise)

Me: So, I have friends who were definitely into the whole earth mama part of the birthing process – That’s totally not going to be me – I mean, I am kind of a granola, organic loving hippie type – but definitely not in touch with my “earth mama”

Nick: What do you mean?

Me: Well, like the book that I have called “A Child is Born” there are all these pictures of these people giving birth and they all have their gowns wide open, breasts hanging out, feeling all free and open and whatever and the first thing they want is for the new naked, fluid covered baby who will probably take a poop seconds after birth to be placed on their naked chests and feel some huge connection with their whole naked to nakedness and it’s this big wonderful earth mama moment. Uh, ew! There is no part of that whole scenario that sounds even remotely appealing to me! My gown will be closed and I can bond just fine with the baby through a layer of fabric.

Nick: Dude you are just like Chelsea Handler.  Some friend is telling her about her magical experience and Chelsea is like, EW! That’s totally you!

There are other things that make me less than earth mama.

-I have never talked to Baby Bear – I feel awkward and uncomfortable with the idea of holding a conversation with someone I have never met that has taken up residence in my abdomen and probably only hears me like Charlie Brown hears his teacher. Wa wa wa wa waaaaa….

-The baby moving, while comforting even now and kinda cool at first, generally gives me less of a “oh the baby is moving, how magical!” and “oh wow I can see it move!” than a “Holy crap! It’s moving” to which Nick will say “wow, that looks like an alien is moving around inside you” and I am like “yea, it feels just as alien as it looks!” Then you see an arc of something pop about an inch up from where my already humungo belly is and a whole lot of “eeeeeeeee’s” and “yikes’es” and uncontrollable giggles ensue – not the typical, “oooh, he’s moving! Wow, how cool!” “ooh, put your hand here and feel him kick!!” I think I have even gone so far as to describe him as that moment in the movie Alien when the alien thing pops out of the dudes stomach–oops.

-Jenny McCarthy was terrified of one aspect of birth above all others. It wasn’t the pain, it wasn’t tearing, stretching, giving birth in front of others – no – what she was most terrified of was taking a poop on the table. She was so scared of this that she asked every woman with a new baby if she had done it. Of course, most women were not that thrilled to be asked such a question – but I sure was glad to have read that someone else (and someone very famous no less) had the exact same biggest fear as me.

-I can’t for the life of me name this baby without meeting him. I feel like I need to “know him on the outside” whereas most women I know have an instant connection, the moment they conceive. Here is one of the things I had to say about that to Nick– “It was hard enough naming Trooper, I’m super glad you get dogs when they are a little older and have a personality. I never would have been able to name Trooper without knowing his personality. Too bad you can’t wait til your baby is several months old because in the beginning, they really don’t show much personality…” Wow, how nice of me. I sound so caring and nurturing.

I do have hope of being a great and nurturing mom. Some of the best moms I know told me they were a lot like me in pregnancy. I am ridiculously nurturing and attached to my dog, he is like a child to me and I light up whenever I see him. But sometimes I look around at these women who have such a connection to their bumps, rubbing them, cooing to them, singing to them, imagining an earth mama birth complete with instant nursing and nakedness – and I can’t help but have that moment of worry – uh, am I not cut out for this motherly thing? To which I know the answer is, of course I will be a good mom!