Am I Mom Enough?

I think one of the biggest surprises in my life has been how much I love parenting. I remember writing a post shortly before Rinkie was born fretting about whether I would like it, whether I would resent the change to my life, whether I would be good at it, how I would know what to do and on and on.

If I am being perfectly honest, and I suppose I should be because this is my blog and heck, there really is no point in trying to be someone I am not, I am not a very big "kid" person. I am not the person who goes to an event and gravitates towards the kids. I don't go to weddings and seek out the kids to pull pranks on people or dance the night away, kid style. When people have babies, I don't really want to hold them. They're cute to look at, there is something sweet about their tininess - but I am not like, jumping out of my seat to hold them. The idea of running a day care, being responsible for, disciplining, changing diapers of, wiping runny noses of, comforting of other people's kids really doesn't make me say "yes please!" Ok but please don't get me wrong here - obviously I am not a kid hater either. I am very excited for my friends when they have kids. I am willing to help out. I will hold their kids, if necessary. I will let them sit in my lap, read to them, play with them. What I am saying is that I don't trip over myself to be engaged with other people's kids. If I go visit a friend in the hospital, I am perfectly happy looking, not holding. I don't get that "deep breath in, sigh, this is heaven" feeling when I hold babies. I know lots of women do. I have always been this way, so please, don't take offense or suddenly decide to stop inviting me to play dates. I promise I don't dislike kids. I am just not much of a kid person. This is sounding kind of like an oxymoron.

Ok, so anyway - I have always been not much of a kid person. So I was justified in my worry about how I would be as a parent. People said over and over "it's different when it's your own" but how can you believe someone when you haven't been there...so you just worry. Will I be selfless enough, will I get mad? snap easy? play enough? cuddle enough? Will I be Mom enough? I never felt that intense bond while I was pregnant. I didn't feel the kicks and get that blissful, close, I am in love feeling. I was big, uncomfortable, I hated being pregnant (there's that honesty) and I never felt "bonded."

So along came Rinkie. After I woke up enough to be "present" (because my birth was less than picture perfect and I was falling asleep the whole time they were trying to get him to nurse the first time) - I was instantly in love. Scratch that. Love isn't even strong enough. My heart exploded...or something. It's like he cut out a hole in my heart, climbed in, and still holding the piece of my heart that he cut out to climb in in his tiny hands, he nestled in and made himself a permanent home in my heart. Too graphic? Sorry.

Moment by moment, stage by stage - I lived in each "newness" with him. Never looking forward, never looking backward. I lived in the now with Rinkie, always. For the first time in my life, I was able to live in the moment and be content. I am not saying that Rinkie was perfect or is perfect. He had moments where he cried and cried and I was ready to melt down and go crazy. He had moments where he didn't sleep...wait, that's like, every night. He got into things (still does) and tested my patience (still does) and exhausted me (still does) - he is a normal baby, toddler, kid but even with the exhaustion and everything else - I have loved every stage of parenting thus far and have lived in every moment of it. I catch myself saying "I love where we are now" a lot and have done so many times in the last 15.5 months.

They say men think about sex every minute. I think about Rinkie every minute. Not in an "obsessive" way. He is just always kind of there, in my thoughts. He makes me smile. I smile and laugh more now that I am a parent than I ever did before. I want to be a better person as a result of being a parent. I make better choices.

I had no idea parenthood would make me the person I am. I had no idea it would be like this. I am so glad that as a non-kid person, I gave it a chance.

Now with a second child on the horizon, doubts creep back in. Will I be a good parent to 2? Will I be patient enough? Will I love them both the same? Will I be able to stop myself from comparing them?

I hope that I look back at these doubts the same way I look back at the original doubts - that I am able to say, they were unfounded and silly.