Pregnancy #2 and Guilt

I have barely mentioned pregnancy #2 on this blog. I feel like, in general, I have so much other stuff to cover and I rarely get a free moment to update anyway.

I should preface this post by telling you that I do not like pregnancy. I am sure if you have followed this blog for a while, you knew that based on pregnancy #1. Also, pregnancy #1 was so different from this one.

The beginning of this pregnancy wasn't horrible. I was exhausted, yes. I was turned off by chicken. I didn't feel quite myself and would gag at the slightest nasty smell. But really by the end of the first trimester, all that nastiness was gone, and compared to pregnancy #1 it was really mild. With Barrett, I was sick sick sick (not throwing up, just nauseous all day kind of sick) from week 6 - 16.

I was wearing my regular jeans during this pregnancy all the way until week 18. I was out of my jeans in pregnancy #1 at like 14 weeks. I felt "great" all the way up until about 3 (maybe 4) weeks ago.

All of a sudden, something changed. I got huge. Like I feel like I look like I am ready to deliver huge. Just my belly. My legs and face and everything else are still small. No swelling. But suddenly my belly got huge. And suddenly I got uncomfortable. Not just a little, but a lot. As in, I have 14 weeks left and I am uncomfortable like I was when I was 2 weeks from delivering Barrett and it was like that "I'm DONE" phase. Only I feel like that at 26 weeks.

My belly is so sore. Like so sore. Like hobble around the house. Waddle. Hold on to things as I walk sore. My back is sore. Like old woman, I'm broken kind of sore. I sleep like crap. I wake up. I can't roll over without my belly hurting. My body just feels like it has decided to throw in the towel 14 weeks too soon. I likely have 93 days left (maybe more) and I feel broken.

Nick and I walk 3.5 miles a day together. I love the walks. I love the connection time. Barrett loves the walks. They keep me "a little" in shape - and yet, after the walks, I'm destroyed. But I don't want to stop walking, I don't. I feel like if I gave up walking it would only be worse because not only would my body hurt like this, I would also be getting out of shape, my muscles would stop staying built up. My doctor said the soreness isn't hurting anything and that walking is great. I just feel so stuck.

Hormone wise, I am way worse than I was with Barrett. I flare up more easily. I get frustrated. I think a big part of this relates to lack of sleep. Barrett doesn't sleep well and I don't either right now. Between Barrett being up multiple times a night and then my inability to fall back asleep after being up with him, I am CHRONICALLY sleep deprived.

My insides don't function correctly either. I'm (keeping it real here) all backed up. I feel like I am full from the bottom of my belly to the top of my throat. Nothing helps. Fiber. Oatmeal. Fruit. Coffee. All of this has got to be contributing to my discomfort. I swear there has got to be like 10 lbs of extra weight just from that.

I feel like I am a bad parent as a result of pregnancy. I'm  more tired. Barrett loves to sleep cuddled close. I love it too. My body hurts so bad I can't have him cuddled up with me and it breaks my heart when he cries in the middle of the night because he wants to cuddle and I force him to sleep alone or cuddled with Daddy because it hurts to cuddle up.

I feel guilty and sad. And it makes me worry about our changing relationship not only as my body changes but once I have another one. I was happy with one. I was a good parent. I wan't stretched thin and I had so much to give to my one. I was his everything and he mine. I feel an incredible amount of guilt at the idea of bringing in another baby and forcing him to share what we have. Forcing me to share my attention and time. At a time in his life when he needs me so much, needs reassurance, guidance-and suddenly my attention is going to go in another direction. I'm sad that I am in this position. There are tons of people who add another child to the mix because they know they have enough to give, they are confident that they will do right by their kids and that having more is the right decision for them. I didn't make that decision and I feel so guilty at the idea that my relationship with Barrett will change.

I want to be excited about another baby. I do. And I am sure it will be "great" as people keep reassuring me. But honestly, I never did see the "need" like most other people do to have more than one child. Everyone tells you that having another one is basically necessary. "That's selfish to only have one" "kids need siblings" bla bla bla. And yes, some siblings are close. I happen to be very close to mine. But closeness with siblings isn't guaranteed. Everyone acts like having a sibling means having a built in friend. I know a lot of people who aren't close to their siblings. I am sure this is my guilt talking. Like I said above - I was happy with where we were and with my discomfort in pregnancy, I can already see things changing and it will only get more intense once there is a real life baby here that cries and needs and wants and garners attention.

I just feel guilty and sad. And sore. And my body feels broken - with 93+/-days left.