Mommy Wars

Le Sigh.

There will always be mommy wars. There will always be something you aren't doing right according to someone else. You can always be better, more perfect - whatever.

I am in a few mommy groups on Facebook and for the most part, they are really helpful. Someone posted a question about when people moved their kids from an infant seat to a convertible seat. There were lots of responses. I even responded which I don't do very often. In my response, I mentioned that we moved Barrett into a convertible at around a year (not because of size, more for comfort) and a while later, turned him around to be forward facing.

A "well meaning" mom responded quickly. "Better for you isn't safer for him" and encouraged me to educate myself on the matter, even posting an article to "give me a good start..."

Le Sigh. Seriously?

First, I did educate myself on the matter. I read, I talked to others, I talked to my pediatrician (who was supportive of turning him around at a year), I thought about it. Then I turned him around. It was the right choice for us. Look, EVERYONE would be safer in a car in the center back facing backwards. In fact, kids would be safer if we just didn't take them in cars anywhere.

I really debated whether to respond. I debated what I would say. I was really tempted to say "Forward facing works well for us and I did so after tons of research, but don't worry, I feed my kid all organic food that I grow myself from seeds I saved from previous harvests, I hunt my own organic pasture raised hormone free meat, I hover over my child all night long to ensure he doesn't flip to his tummy and to be sure he is breathing, I fully childproofed my house removing all objects he could possibly climb on or fall from including the couches, chairs and all wires, we only buy products made in the USA that are certified organic, fair trade, chemical free, all his clothing is made of organic cotton..."but then I did't figure the mom that made the comment would know that I was trying to be funny because she doesn't know me and my personality.

Look - we are all doing the best we can. We all make choices. If I were to take into account all the safety recommendations that are out there, I would go CRAZY trying to keep up with them all. Just like I pick my battles with Barrett and his habits/behavior, I also pick my battles with my parenting methods and what is important/not important. It's silly to think that my methods are better or worse than the next persons.

The idea that I would have just turned him around willy nilly without knowing anything about it is just silly. I don't need to "educate" myself, I need you to understand that I did "educate" myself and ultimately made a decision that made the most sense for my family.

Le Sigh. When are us mom's just going to learn to leave each other alone and realize we are all on the same side - doing what's best for our kids (or trying to).

Valentines Day Photo Shoot!

Sickness, 2 kids and Barrett updates

I awoke much improved today. I still have a stuffy nose and some slight sinus pain plus a headache, but compared to before, I would say I am so much better! Thanks Haley for the suggestion, I am going to the Dentist on Wednesday morning bright and early to be sure there is nothing tooth or gums related since my teeth were hurting so badly.

Looking back at my posts, what a negative month! I promise, I wasn't all downers and crumudgeonliness - though from my posts it sure looks like I was. I did determine that belly soreness was related to walking over 3 miles a day. This leaves me with the choice-either walk and be very sore, or don't walk. Both are unfortunate prospects because I get so much joy from walking but it also turns me into a complete disaster and it becomes difficult to get on the floor and play with my kiddo. That and the weather is sure getting nicer - walks are a big delight in good weather. Plus, Barrett really loves his time in the stroller in the fresh air - and I want to keep him loving it because after baby #2 arrives, I see us going out a whole lot for walks.

Speaking of. We are going to do our absolute best to make the following work for strollers. Either Bob with Barrett riding and baby 2 in the bjorn or Chariot Stroller with both of them in it. With any luck, I will not have to purchase any other stroller systems. It is my goal to keep the purchasing to a minimum for several reasons. The first is, naturally, cost savings. The second is to keep clutter to a minimum. The third is that I have found that every time I go out and buy the "must have" item, it really wasn't all that much of a must have. Like the play mat. Sure it was ok. Sure Barrett spent a bit of time under it. A very short amount of time, and the $80 price tag was definitely not worth the cost of it. I also was super afraid of giving him flat spots on his head that I opted to carry him a lot. I will likely do that with #2 as well, the Bjorn will be my BFF. You see, the back of my head is very flat. I have a complex. Boys shave their heads (hopefully not for a very very long time, I love their hair)...I would like to avoid the flat head thing.

Have I mentioned that Barrett is the greatest joy on here lately? I don't think I have. Despite the fact that all you have read here lately has been negative, know that I have been enjoying the heck out of my little guy.

• He loves to climb on everything. To get on the couch, he gets a running start and pulls up. He stands on his car toys that are meant for pushing around on. He climbs on tables, chairs, his stroller. This little guy loves to climb. 
• He still loves to read and will still bring you book after book and turn and sit in your lap to have it read. 
• He loves baths. 
• He jabbers a lot but still isn't talking. Clearly he comprehends. 
• Still a huge cuddle. Loves to cuddle up close when sleeping, reaches out to touch my face, arm, chest, whatever he can to feel close. Tucks up in a tiny ball and stays very close. 
• He loves all fruit, chicken, most veggies, and goldfish
• He does a "stinky" smile where he smiles really big while wrinkling his nose and narrowing his eyes when he is trying to be silly. 
• Loves to be outside and is most of the time good about helping put on his coat and sitting for socks and shoes. 
• LOVES the machines in the backyard. Particularly the riding mover and the mini-excavator. He loves to get on the mini with George and sit on his lap while he runs it. He is also constantly trying to climb onto the mower when the mini isn't available. Nick and George better watch out, Barrett might be a better operator by the time he is 3 than they are, he is so into the machines!
• He is very curious. If there is a toy that makes noise, he is flipping it over and studying it to try and see how it works. 
• He can open doors. Sigh. 
• He loves helping with anything. If I am wiping the floors, he will pull all the towels out and help. If I am doing laundry, he will either try to climb into the dryer or he will try to help put things in the dryer. If someone is doing dishes, he tries to help with the dishwasher. When I vacuum, he wants to hold onto the vacuum and help me. And he makes the vacuum's noise. 
• The meow mix commercial came on the other day and afterwards, he goes "meo meo meo meo" so cute!!
• Anything we do, he figures out. How to open the garbage and throw something away, opening doors, hammering on something, pulling a leaver, climbing over something, etc. If you don't want him to try it, don't do it in front of him because not only will he try, he will succeed. 
• Very determined but will rarely have a meltdown or tantrum when halted from his progress - it happens, but on very rare occasions. 
• LOVES to go on walks in the stroller. Usually either sits quietly or goes to sleep. 
• Fairly shy. Tends to stay back when introduced to kids and even takes his time with kids he knows. Isn't much for running up to random people to be friendly but if you are in his circle, he lights up when he sees you. 
• Destructive when tired. When this kid gets tired, it is all about doing what he isn't supposed to do. 
• His tired "tell" is that he rubs his ears. It's very cute. 

He is such a happy guy and so easy for his age. I just love this guy. He is such a joy. 

Happy Monday!

McCall and My Deathbed

We went to McCall for a week from the 6-13. I have no pictures from the trip, more on that in a moment.

Nick and George drove out to Ontario and stayed the night with George's brother and his wife. Barrett and I flew out the next morning because I was working on Tuesday. My BFF Jessica was so kind and drove us to the airport bright and early before she had to go to work. Barrett is not a morning person and thought the 5:30am wakeup was not very appropriate.

We met with our accountants and our insurance agents in Boise and then headed up to the best place on earth, our cabin in McCall. Snow, sunny blue skies, snowshoeing, going for walks - ah, what could be better...

On Sunday I woke up feeling kind of funny. At 8am I started throwing up. I threw up non-stop every hour or less for the next 10 hours. The kind of throwing up where you can't hardly get water down before you are throwing it back up. The kind where tears stream from your eyes, your throat can't keep up with your ab muscles, where you collapse in a heap on the bathroom floor and want to cry because you know you're going to have to repeat. And finally, at 11:45pm, I ate my first meal, 2.5 saltine crackers and kept them down.

I awoke on Monday feeling as though someone had punched me in the cheek. My top left teeth hurt, my cheek was throbbing, my eye felt like it was going to pop out. Did I throw up so violently that I broke something in my face? As it turns out, this was my first and most severe (like deathbed severe) sinus infection. I called my OB's office and they said humidifier, Sudafed PE, hot compresses, etc (none of these worked or did anything, the pain was intolerable . I suffered with the severe pain for Monday, Tuesday and on Wednesday it was time to drive home. In McCall I literally sat on the couch from Sunday morning (other than time spent throwing up) until we left Wednesday. Completely missed out on all the snow and fun. Nick was amazing and took care of Barrett the whole time (and me of course).

The drive back home was H.E.L.L. Have you ever had a severe sinus pressure and pain and traveled from 5,000 feet back to sea level? My pain was so severe that even going from sitting to standing was a noticeable change in pressure so the drive down the mountains, back over a mountain pass and back down to sea level was HORRIBLE. As soon as we got back to town, we didn't even go home, we went to urgent care. Not that the doc was helpful. He was like "well without doing a CAT scan I can't tell if you have a sinus infection, so here's a prescription for antibiotics, good luck. Uh thanks dude. I have been on my deathbed for almost a week, I never go to the doctor, and all you can do is barely look at me and say "good luck." Sweet, guess that's why they pay you the big bucks, you're so charming!

So anyway - I started the antibiotic Thursday evening (hoping that I wouldn't have to take them because it scares me to be pregnant and take drugs). It is now Sunday mid-morning. The pain has migrated from only my left to both my left and right cheek. It's a touch more tolerable than the pain level 10 I was at for a while there, but it is still hell.

I originally got a cough on the 4th on February. It became a bit of a sinus thing. Then it turned into a horrible stomach bug for 12 hours. Then the worst most severe sinus infection I can imagine. It's the 17th and I am still in severe pain. I have never been this sick. I have never been sick this long. I mean seriously?? I feel like every time I turn around it is something new. I have been sick almost the entire month of February and so sick I was in bed and unable to do anything for the last 7.

As for pregnancy related stuff, I have lost 5 lbs which probably isn't wonderful but all the literature says that the baby will get what he needs. I'm also really weak. Getting up and walking across the house is a huge effort that leaves me breathless and tired. I am hopeful that in the next week I come through and get back on my feet. I am ready to be normal again!

Solutions to Pregnancy Soreness (hopefully)

To be sure no one thinks I am over here wallowing in self pity because of the below post, here are the things I am doing to alleviate some of what I mentioned below.

• No more caffeine in coffee - not sure if this has anything to do with anything, but I am kicking it. 
• More water. Lots more water. I am focusing really hard on downing the H2O because perhaps part of the soreness is my body saying it lacks water and we all know that when pregnant, your body takes care of the baby first and you second. So the severe soreness might have something to do with water intake. 
• Daily smoothie. It has banana, almond milk, soy protein powder and psyllium whole husk fiber. Basically, it helps move things along. 
• Eat small meals. When I eat, I swear my stomach is sitting somewhere in my ribs and rather than food settling in my stomach, it just fills up whatever that is that goes from my mouth to my stomach - lets just call it the pipe. So anyway - it's really uncomfortable. So perhaps eating only small meals with help. Even drinking lots of water makes it feel like the water is all the way up to the back of my throat. Super strange. 
• Walk daily unless I get super sore, then take a day off and maybe do aqua aerobics or something else. Perhaps getting in the water would be good for me. Hm. Something to think about. 

Already I am feeling a little better - I didn't walk yesterday (sadly) so that may have been part of it. I drank water like a champ. I took 3 heaping tablespoons of milk of magnesia. 

The mental piece is going to have to come on it's own. I will, I am sure of it, find peace with having a second baby. It will be great - it will. I have a positive outlook and I also think everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it is just hard when you had a plan and things went in a completely opposite direction. And a new baby is a BIG deal. It is a huge commitment and I just have to wrap my head around that commitment. I will get there. I am sure of it. 

Pregnancy #2 and Guilt

I have barely mentioned pregnancy #2 on this blog. I feel like, in general, I have so much other stuff to cover and I rarely get a free moment to update anyway.

I should preface this post by telling you that I do not like pregnancy. I am sure if you have followed this blog for a while, you knew that based on pregnancy #1. Also, pregnancy #1 was so different from this one.

The beginning of this pregnancy wasn't horrible. I was exhausted, yes. I was turned off by chicken. I didn't feel quite myself and would gag at the slightest nasty smell. But really by the end of the first trimester, all that nastiness was gone, and compared to pregnancy #1 it was really mild. With Barrett, I was sick sick sick (not throwing up, just nauseous all day kind of sick) from week 6 - 16.

I was wearing my regular jeans during this pregnancy all the way until week 18. I was out of my jeans in pregnancy #1 at like 14 weeks. I felt "great" all the way up until about 3 (maybe 4) weeks ago.

All of a sudden, something changed. I got huge. Like I feel like I look like I am ready to deliver huge. Just my belly. My legs and face and everything else are still small. No swelling. But suddenly my belly got huge. And suddenly I got uncomfortable. Not just a little, but a lot. As in, I have 14 weeks left and I am uncomfortable like I was when I was 2 weeks from delivering Barrett and it was like that "I'm DONE" phase. Only I feel like that at 26 weeks.

My belly is so sore. Like so sore. Like hobble around the house. Waddle. Hold on to things as I walk sore. My back is sore. Like old woman, I'm broken kind of sore. I sleep like crap. I wake up. I can't roll over without my belly hurting. My body just feels like it has decided to throw in the towel 14 weeks too soon. I likely have 93 days left (maybe more) and I feel broken.

Nick and I walk 3.5 miles a day together. I love the walks. I love the connection time. Barrett loves the walks. They keep me "a little" in shape - and yet, after the walks, I'm destroyed. But I don't want to stop walking, I don't. I feel like if I gave up walking it would only be worse because not only would my body hurt like this, I would also be getting out of shape, my muscles would stop staying built up. My doctor said the soreness isn't hurting anything and that walking is great. I just feel so stuck.

Hormone wise, I am way worse than I was with Barrett. I flare up more easily. I get frustrated. I think a big part of this relates to lack of sleep. Barrett doesn't sleep well and I don't either right now. Between Barrett being up multiple times a night and then my inability to fall back asleep after being up with him, I am CHRONICALLY sleep deprived.

My insides don't function correctly either. I'm (keeping it real here) all backed up. I feel like I am full from the bottom of my belly to the top of my throat. Nothing helps. Fiber. Oatmeal. Fruit. Coffee. All of this has got to be contributing to my discomfort. I swear there has got to be like 10 lbs of extra weight just from that.

I feel like I am a bad parent as a result of pregnancy. I'm  more tired. Barrett loves to sleep cuddled close. I love it too. My body hurts so bad I can't have him cuddled up with me and it breaks my heart when he cries in the middle of the night because he wants to cuddle and I force him to sleep alone or cuddled with Daddy because it hurts to cuddle up.

I feel guilty and sad. And it makes me worry about our changing relationship not only as my body changes but once I have another one. I was happy with one. I was a good parent. I wan't stretched thin and I had so much to give to my one. I was his everything and he mine. I feel an incredible amount of guilt at the idea of bringing in another baby and forcing him to share what we have. Forcing me to share my attention and time. At a time in his life when he needs me so much, needs reassurance, guidance-and suddenly my attention is going to go in another direction. I'm sad that I am in this position. There are tons of people who add another child to the mix because they know they have enough to give, they are confident that they will do right by their kids and that having more is the right decision for them. I didn't make that decision and I feel so guilty at the idea that my relationship with Barrett will change.

I want to be excited about another baby. I do. And I am sure it will be "great" as people keep reassuring me. But honestly, I never did see the "need" like most other people do to have more than one child. Everyone tells you that having another one is basically necessary. "That's selfish to only have one" "kids need siblings" bla bla bla. And yes, some siblings are close. I happen to be very close to mine. But closeness with siblings isn't guaranteed. Everyone acts like having a sibling means having a built in friend. I know a lot of people who aren't close to their siblings. I am sure this is my guilt talking. Like I said above - I was happy with where we were and with my discomfort in pregnancy, I can already see things changing and it will only get more intense once there is a real life baby here that cries and needs and wants and garners attention.

I just feel guilty and sad. And sore. And my body feels broken - with 93+/-days left.

Simplify, Photo's and Fog

Photo's
I am finally getting around to uploading my photo's from my iphone to the computer. All 511 of them. It is taking forever. I would likely include more photo's here on this blog but I have this problem with importing them so they are never at my fingertips when I need them.

In chronological order starting sometime early this year:

 Playing with his xylophone. 

In the backpack trying it out

Looking concerned

Eating breakfast out. 

Having a morning in. 

Heidi and Nick demolishing my parents in ground pool.

New siding installed (the siding is a totally ugly color!)

New front door before the trim

New siding on the house!

Amanda, Jessica, Me - girls night out. 

Snoozing

Beautiful walk on the beach. (I never like the oregon coast but this day was one exception)

Wearing our new helmet (over the summer)

4th of July with Nicks niece Kaylee, his sister Danelle, Nick, Barrett and me

In McCall snoozing on daddy after a long day

New tile in the kitchen before the pot filler was installed

Even mommies can fit into the peapod with me!

Snoozing

New car seat!

House painted with new garage doors. So pretty!!

Hiking with auntie. 

Snoozing in the king size bed!

Hot at an outdoor wedding. 

Super hot at the wedding, with Auntie

Hot in sunriver

Loving his bunny's!

Hating his jammies

Climbing in the cupboards. 

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Climbing on his play bench. 

Showing off his duck gear. 

Showing off his getting into the cupboard skills...

Showing off his horribly cut bangs. Thanks mommy. 

Tackling Trooper

Showing off his new hat

Reading naked. 

Baby brother

First fat lip (he fell on the brick fire place)

Sitting in the dryer (he got in there himself)

Sliding head first

Ready for round 2!

Simplify
Lately I have been so nostalgic for a simple life I left behind not long ago. Allow me to illustrate.

• I got my first email address in college, the one they provide you with in college. I never checked it. 
• I signed up for my first real email address my senior year in college when I went to Italy (that was fall 2004 - 8 years ago)
• I got my first cell phone in college - it was a cricket phone that only made local calls and only worked in Eugene. I never sent texts on this phone (this was 2001 - 11 years ago)
• I started texting after I moved into my house (that would have been 2008 - 4 years ago)
• I got my first smart phone after my first year of working as an associate, also 2008
• I got my first touch phone in 2009 - 3 years ago. 
• I got email, internet, gps, etc on my phone when I got the touch phone in 2009 - 3 years ago. 
• I joined facebook (on a very limited basis) in 2006 and didn't develop a need to check it every day until 2009 when I got my smart phone. 

So basically, up until 11 years ago, I did not effectively have email, a cell phone, internet or "social networking" as a part of my daily life, constant connection to the world. 

And I wasn't any less connected to the people and things that are meaningful to me. 

I actually TALKED on the phone. I went to coffee to catch up rather than sending a quick text, email or facebook message. 

I didn't check on celebrity websites - who cares about what they are doing anyway? (ok, so I am mildly interested but I used to get the scoop when I would fly and would buy the trashy mags, it was my "flying" reading and actually something I looked forward to).

I didn't over research things on the internet. I wouldn't feel well? Ask a friend or mom what it might be. I wanted to buy a new outfit? Local mall. Things that weren't available locally? They didn't exist. And I never missed the fact that I didn't have access to them. 

I guess what I am saying is, more and more technology keeps getting introduced and somehow it becomes a vital part of my life. I have to check Facebook because what if I miss something? I have to have email on my phone because I have my own business and must be connected all the time just in case something important comes up. I must have GPS on my phone because how would I ever find something if I hadn't been there before? I have to have internet at my fingertips because I might have to look something up...

And yet, 11 short years ago, none of this was part of my life. 3 short years ago, the internet didn't go everywhere in my pocket with me. And I was fine. I wasn't a bad employee. I wasn't a bad friend. I wasn't disconnected. I was actually MORE connected. I talked to people. I called people. I was present with them 100% when we were face to face. A phone, gadget or otherwise would NEVER interrupt a conversation. 

And yet, in thinking about getting rid of my smart phone, I get anxious. In imagining not having email everywhere with me I get nervous. In imagining trying to find something without turn by turn instructions I sweat a little. 

Once you plug in, it is so hard to unplug. I don't know why. And yet, I am so drawn to simplification...And the thing is, would I really miss that much? If my friends weren't willing to call me or send a letter to invite me to things rather than an email or facebook message - maybe we aren't that good of friends. Harsh, but true. If we are only connected on a virtual level - are we really close? 

I don't have a solution. For now, I am contracted to be connected. And it makes me a GOOD business owner. But when my contract comes up...I may (may is the operative word) elect to go simple. That extra $100 a month sure would be nice! For now, I am on a week long detox from Facebook. Some thing I have done before...but then I fell right back into the "must check" thing...

Fog

We have been in the fog for over a week. I miss the sun. I admit, I checked the McCall Web Cam's. It has been sunny there every day. Either it is sunny or it is snowing. I love that. Sunshine and clear, or snow, which is pretty. I don't mind cold. I do mind gray. Why do we live here in this gray valley again?