McCall and My Deathbed

We went to McCall for a week from the 6-13. I have no pictures from the trip, more on that in a moment.

Nick and George drove out to Ontario and stayed the night with George's brother and his wife. Barrett and I flew out the next morning because I was working on Tuesday. My BFF Jessica was so kind and drove us to the airport bright and early before she had to go to work. Barrett is not a morning person and thought the 5:30am wakeup was not very appropriate.

We met with our accountants and our insurance agents in Boise and then headed up to the best place on earth, our cabin in McCall. Snow, sunny blue skies, snowshoeing, going for walks - ah, what could be better...

On Sunday I woke up feeling kind of funny. At 8am I started throwing up. I threw up non-stop every hour or less for the next 10 hours. The kind of throwing up where you can't hardly get water down before you are throwing it back up. The kind where tears stream from your eyes, your throat can't keep up with your ab muscles, where you collapse in a heap on the bathroom floor and want to cry because you know you're going to have to repeat. And finally, at 11:45pm, I ate my first meal, 2.5 saltine crackers and kept them down.

I awoke on Monday feeling as though someone had punched me in the cheek. My top left teeth hurt, my cheek was throbbing, my eye felt like it was going to pop out. Did I throw up so violently that I broke something in my face? As it turns out, this was my first and most severe (like deathbed severe) sinus infection. I called my OB's office and they said humidifier, Sudafed PE, hot compresses, etc (none of these worked or did anything, the pain was intolerable . I suffered with the severe pain for Monday, Tuesday and on Wednesday it was time to drive home. In McCall I literally sat on the couch from Sunday morning (other than time spent throwing up) until we left Wednesday. Completely missed out on all the snow and fun. Nick was amazing and took care of Barrett the whole time (and me of course).

The drive back home was H.E.L.L. Have you ever had a severe sinus pressure and pain and traveled from 5,000 feet back to sea level? My pain was so severe that even going from sitting to standing was a noticeable change in pressure so the drive down the mountains, back over a mountain pass and back down to sea level was HORRIBLE. As soon as we got back to town, we didn't even go home, we went to urgent care. Not that the doc was helpful. He was like "well without doing a CAT scan I can't tell if you have a sinus infection, so here's a prescription for antibiotics, good luck. Uh thanks dude. I have been on my deathbed for almost a week, I never go to the doctor, and all you can do is barely look at me and say "good luck." Sweet, guess that's why they pay you the big bucks, you're so charming!

So anyway - I started the antibiotic Thursday evening (hoping that I wouldn't have to take them because it scares me to be pregnant and take drugs). It is now Sunday mid-morning. The pain has migrated from only my left to both my left and right cheek. It's a touch more tolerable than the pain level 10 I was at for a while there, but it is still hell.

I originally got a cough on the 4th on February. It became a bit of a sinus thing. Then it turned into a horrible stomach bug for 12 hours. Then the worst most severe sinus infection I can imagine. It's the 17th and I am still in severe pain. I have never been this sick. I have never been sick this long. I mean seriously?? I feel like every time I turn around it is something new. I have been sick almost the entire month of February and so sick I was in bed and unable to do anything for the last 7.

As for pregnancy related stuff, I have lost 5 lbs which probably isn't wonderful but all the literature says that the baby will get what he needs. I'm also really weak. Getting up and walking across the house is a huge effort that leaves me breathless and tired. I am hopeful that in the next week I come through and get back on my feet. I am ready to be normal again!

Solutions to Pregnancy Soreness (hopefully)

To be sure no one thinks I am over here wallowing in self pity because of the below post, here are the things I am doing to alleviate some of what I mentioned below.

• No more caffeine in coffee - not sure if this has anything to do with anything, but I am kicking it. 
• More water. Lots more water. I am focusing really hard on downing the H2O because perhaps part of the soreness is my body saying it lacks water and we all know that when pregnant, your body takes care of the baby first and you second. So the severe soreness might have something to do with water intake. 
• Daily smoothie. It has banana, almond milk, soy protein powder and psyllium whole husk fiber. Basically, it helps move things along. 
• Eat small meals. When I eat, I swear my stomach is sitting somewhere in my ribs and rather than food settling in my stomach, it just fills up whatever that is that goes from my mouth to my stomach - lets just call it the pipe. So anyway - it's really uncomfortable. So perhaps eating only small meals with help. Even drinking lots of water makes it feel like the water is all the way up to the back of my throat. Super strange. 
• Walk daily unless I get super sore, then take a day off and maybe do aqua aerobics or something else. Perhaps getting in the water would be good for me. Hm. Something to think about. 

Already I am feeling a little better - I didn't walk yesterday (sadly) so that may have been part of it. I drank water like a champ. I took 3 heaping tablespoons of milk of magnesia. 

The mental piece is going to have to come on it's own. I will, I am sure of it, find peace with having a second baby. It will be great - it will. I have a positive outlook and I also think everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it is just hard when you had a plan and things went in a completely opposite direction. And a new baby is a BIG deal. It is a huge commitment and I just have to wrap my head around that commitment. I will get there. I am sure of it. 

Pregnancy #2 and Guilt

I have barely mentioned pregnancy #2 on this blog. I feel like, in general, I have so much other stuff to cover and I rarely get a free moment to update anyway.

I should preface this post by telling you that I do not like pregnancy. I am sure if you have followed this blog for a while, you knew that based on pregnancy #1. Also, pregnancy #1 was so different from this one.

The beginning of this pregnancy wasn't horrible. I was exhausted, yes. I was turned off by chicken. I didn't feel quite myself and would gag at the slightest nasty smell. But really by the end of the first trimester, all that nastiness was gone, and compared to pregnancy #1 it was really mild. With Barrett, I was sick sick sick (not throwing up, just nauseous all day kind of sick) from week 6 - 16.

I was wearing my regular jeans during this pregnancy all the way until week 18. I was out of my jeans in pregnancy #1 at like 14 weeks. I felt "great" all the way up until about 3 (maybe 4) weeks ago.

All of a sudden, something changed. I got huge. Like I feel like I look like I am ready to deliver huge. Just my belly. My legs and face and everything else are still small. No swelling. But suddenly my belly got huge. And suddenly I got uncomfortable. Not just a little, but a lot. As in, I have 14 weeks left and I am uncomfortable like I was when I was 2 weeks from delivering Barrett and it was like that "I'm DONE" phase. Only I feel like that at 26 weeks.

My belly is so sore. Like so sore. Like hobble around the house. Waddle. Hold on to things as I walk sore. My back is sore. Like old woman, I'm broken kind of sore. I sleep like crap. I wake up. I can't roll over without my belly hurting. My body just feels like it has decided to throw in the towel 14 weeks too soon. I likely have 93 days left (maybe more) and I feel broken.

Nick and I walk 3.5 miles a day together. I love the walks. I love the connection time. Barrett loves the walks. They keep me "a little" in shape - and yet, after the walks, I'm destroyed. But I don't want to stop walking, I don't. I feel like if I gave up walking it would only be worse because not only would my body hurt like this, I would also be getting out of shape, my muscles would stop staying built up. My doctor said the soreness isn't hurting anything and that walking is great. I just feel so stuck.

Hormone wise, I am way worse than I was with Barrett. I flare up more easily. I get frustrated. I think a big part of this relates to lack of sleep. Barrett doesn't sleep well and I don't either right now. Between Barrett being up multiple times a night and then my inability to fall back asleep after being up with him, I am CHRONICALLY sleep deprived.

My insides don't function correctly either. I'm (keeping it real here) all backed up. I feel like I am full from the bottom of my belly to the top of my throat. Nothing helps. Fiber. Oatmeal. Fruit. Coffee. All of this has got to be contributing to my discomfort. I swear there has got to be like 10 lbs of extra weight just from that.

I feel like I am a bad parent as a result of pregnancy. I'm  more tired. Barrett loves to sleep cuddled close. I love it too. My body hurts so bad I can't have him cuddled up with me and it breaks my heart when he cries in the middle of the night because he wants to cuddle and I force him to sleep alone or cuddled with Daddy because it hurts to cuddle up.

I feel guilty and sad. And it makes me worry about our changing relationship not only as my body changes but once I have another one. I was happy with one. I was a good parent. I wan't stretched thin and I had so much to give to my one. I was his everything and he mine. I feel an incredible amount of guilt at the idea of bringing in another baby and forcing him to share what we have. Forcing me to share my attention and time. At a time in his life when he needs me so much, needs reassurance, guidance-and suddenly my attention is going to go in another direction. I'm sad that I am in this position. There are tons of people who add another child to the mix because they know they have enough to give, they are confident that they will do right by their kids and that having more is the right decision for them. I didn't make that decision and I feel so guilty at the idea that my relationship with Barrett will change.

I want to be excited about another baby. I do. And I am sure it will be "great" as people keep reassuring me. But honestly, I never did see the "need" like most other people do to have more than one child. Everyone tells you that having another one is basically necessary. "That's selfish to only have one" "kids need siblings" bla bla bla. And yes, some siblings are close. I happen to be very close to mine. But closeness with siblings isn't guaranteed. Everyone acts like having a sibling means having a built in friend. I know a lot of people who aren't close to their siblings. I am sure this is my guilt talking. Like I said above - I was happy with where we were and with my discomfort in pregnancy, I can already see things changing and it will only get more intense once there is a real life baby here that cries and needs and wants and garners attention.

I just feel guilty and sad. And sore. And my body feels broken - with 93+/-days left.

Simplify, Photo's and Fog

Photo's
I am finally getting around to uploading my photo's from my iphone to the computer. All 511 of them. It is taking forever. I would likely include more photo's here on this blog but I have this problem with importing them so they are never at my fingertips when I need them.

In chronological order starting sometime early this year:

 Playing with his xylophone. 

In the backpack trying it out

Looking concerned

Eating breakfast out. 

Having a morning in. 

Heidi and Nick demolishing my parents in ground pool.

New siding installed (the siding is a totally ugly color!)

New front door before the trim

New siding on the house!

Amanda, Jessica, Me - girls night out. 

Snoozing

Beautiful walk on the beach. (I never like the oregon coast but this day was one exception)

Wearing our new helmet (over the summer)

4th of July with Nicks niece Kaylee, his sister Danelle, Nick, Barrett and me

In McCall snoozing on daddy after a long day

New tile in the kitchen before the pot filler was installed

Even mommies can fit into the peapod with me!

Snoozing

New car seat!

House painted with new garage doors. So pretty!!

Hiking with auntie. 

Snoozing in the king size bed!

Hot at an outdoor wedding. 

Super hot at the wedding, with Auntie

Hot in sunriver

Loving his bunny's!

Hating his jammies

Climbing in the cupboards. 

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Climbing on his play bench. 

Showing off his duck gear. 

Showing off his getting into the cupboard skills...

Showing off his horribly cut bangs. Thanks mommy. 

Tackling Trooper

Showing off his new hat

Reading naked. 

Baby brother

First fat lip (he fell on the brick fire place)

Sitting in the dryer (he got in there himself)

Sliding head first

Ready for round 2!

Simplify
Lately I have been so nostalgic for a simple life I left behind not long ago. Allow me to illustrate.

• I got my first email address in college, the one they provide you with in college. I never checked it. 
• I signed up for my first real email address my senior year in college when I went to Italy (that was fall 2004 - 8 years ago)
• I got my first cell phone in college - it was a cricket phone that only made local calls and only worked in Eugene. I never sent texts on this phone (this was 2001 - 11 years ago)
• I started texting after I moved into my house (that would have been 2008 - 4 years ago)
• I got my first smart phone after my first year of working as an associate, also 2008
• I got my first touch phone in 2009 - 3 years ago. 
• I got email, internet, gps, etc on my phone when I got the touch phone in 2009 - 3 years ago. 
• I joined facebook (on a very limited basis) in 2006 and didn't develop a need to check it every day until 2009 when I got my smart phone. 

So basically, up until 11 years ago, I did not effectively have email, a cell phone, internet or "social networking" as a part of my daily life, constant connection to the world. 

And I wasn't any less connected to the people and things that are meaningful to me. 

I actually TALKED on the phone. I went to coffee to catch up rather than sending a quick text, email or facebook message. 

I didn't check on celebrity websites - who cares about what they are doing anyway? (ok, so I am mildly interested but I used to get the scoop when I would fly and would buy the trashy mags, it was my "flying" reading and actually something I looked forward to).

I didn't over research things on the internet. I wouldn't feel well? Ask a friend or mom what it might be. I wanted to buy a new outfit? Local mall. Things that weren't available locally? They didn't exist. And I never missed the fact that I didn't have access to them. 

I guess what I am saying is, more and more technology keeps getting introduced and somehow it becomes a vital part of my life. I have to check Facebook because what if I miss something? I have to have email on my phone because I have my own business and must be connected all the time just in case something important comes up. I must have GPS on my phone because how would I ever find something if I hadn't been there before? I have to have internet at my fingertips because I might have to look something up...

And yet, 11 short years ago, none of this was part of my life. 3 short years ago, the internet didn't go everywhere in my pocket with me. And I was fine. I wasn't a bad employee. I wasn't a bad friend. I wasn't disconnected. I was actually MORE connected. I talked to people. I called people. I was present with them 100% when we were face to face. A phone, gadget or otherwise would NEVER interrupt a conversation. 

And yet, in thinking about getting rid of my smart phone, I get anxious. In imagining not having email everywhere with me I get nervous. In imagining trying to find something without turn by turn instructions I sweat a little. 

Once you plug in, it is so hard to unplug. I don't know why. And yet, I am so drawn to simplification...And the thing is, would I really miss that much? If my friends weren't willing to call me or send a letter to invite me to things rather than an email or facebook message - maybe we aren't that good of friends. Harsh, but true. If we are only connected on a virtual level - are we really close? 

I don't have a solution. For now, I am contracted to be connected. And it makes me a GOOD business owner. But when my contract comes up...I may (may is the operative word) elect to go simple. That extra $100 a month sure would be nice! For now, I am on a week long detox from Facebook. Some thing I have done before...but then I fell right back into the "must check" thing...

Fog

We have been in the fog for over a week. I miss the sun. I admit, I checked the McCall Web Cam's. It has been sunny there every day. Either it is sunny or it is snowing. I love that. Sunshine and clear, or snow, which is pretty. I don't mind cold. I do mind gray. Why do we live here in this gray valley again?

Barrett Stats (15 months) and other tidbits

At Barrett's 15 month appointment:

21 lbs 4 oz (8%)
31 inches (44%)

• Loves to read and will bring you a book, hand it to you, turn around and sit on your lap
• When he eats (he doesn't use a high chair), he scalps off from everyone's plates and enjoys either sitting on your lap or standing facing out between your legs
• Drive's cars on the floor like little boys do and makes the car motor sound
• Makes baskets in his hoop and claps for himself
• Does somersaults (with assistance) and always claps for himself when done
• Is crafty. His crib is next to our bed and he hates being in it. I ran outside (while he was having an epic meltdown in there) to grab something. When I came back, he was on the bedroom floor. I FREAKED out a bit because I thought he had fallen out of the crib and was worried he had broken something because he was hysterical. When I discovered that there was nothing hurt, I went to put him back and discovered that he had pulled 2 pillows off from our bed (how I don't know) and used them as a step to get onto our bed and then slide to the floor. Later, he just heaved himself up and swung himself over the side, no pillows as a step. Crafty, McGuiver, Crafty. Barrett 1. Mommy 0. 
• Runs around giggling
• Loves to empty drawers
• Loves his mama at night. All he wants is mom when he is ready to fall asleep
• Eats 1-4 pouches in the middle of the night. Sigh. And Nick, my all star is the one who gets up to get them. 
• Says Hot. That is all. 
• Jabbers like he has big things to say
• Signs more, and all done
• Loves berries of any kind. Carefully eats them from the package one by one. 
• Enjoys going for walks in his bob stroller. I cringe at the idea of buying a double bob...we have a double chariot which is a chassis that can be a bike trailer, stroller, jogging stroller and sled depending on what attachment you have on it, and I am hoping this ends up working well....but I do LOVE our Bob. Le Sigh. They are like 699 or something crazy. 
• Is B.U.S.Y. 
• Responds to all kinds of commands and clearly understands many things that I often think are beyond him but will do things all the time that surprise me. You can tell him to go get an object that you are sure he doesn't know and he will come back with it. 

I know I need to add pictures - I will - I promise. 

Am I Mom Enough?

I think one of the biggest surprises in my life has been how much I love parenting. I remember writing a post shortly before Rinkie was born fretting about whether I would like it, whether I would resent the change to my life, whether I would be good at it, how I would know what to do and on and on.

If I am being perfectly honest, and I suppose I should be because this is my blog and heck, there really is no point in trying to be someone I am not, I am not a very big "kid" person. I am not the person who goes to an event and gravitates towards the kids. I don't go to weddings and seek out the kids to pull pranks on people or dance the night away, kid style. When people have babies, I don't really want to hold them. They're cute to look at, there is something sweet about their tininess - but I am not like, jumping out of my seat to hold them. The idea of running a day care, being responsible for, disciplining, changing diapers of, wiping runny noses of, comforting of other people's kids really doesn't make me say "yes please!" Ok but please don't get me wrong here - obviously I am not a kid hater either. I am very excited for my friends when they have kids. I am willing to help out. I will hold their kids, if necessary. I will let them sit in my lap, read to them, play with them. What I am saying is that I don't trip over myself to be engaged with other people's kids. If I go visit a friend in the hospital, I am perfectly happy looking, not holding. I don't get that "deep breath in, sigh, this is heaven" feeling when I hold babies. I know lots of women do. I have always been this way, so please, don't take offense or suddenly decide to stop inviting me to play dates. I promise I don't dislike kids. I am just not much of a kid person. This is sounding kind of like an oxymoron.

Ok, so anyway - I have always been not much of a kid person. So I was justified in my worry about how I would be as a parent. People said over and over "it's different when it's your own" but how can you believe someone when you haven't been there...so you just worry. Will I be selfless enough, will I get mad? snap easy? play enough? cuddle enough? Will I be Mom enough? I never felt that intense bond while I was pregnant. I didn't feel the kicks and get that blissful, close, I am in love feeling. I was big, uncomfortable, I hated being pregnant (there's that honesty) and I never felt "bonded."

So along came Rinkie. After I woke up enough to be "present" (because my birth was less than picture perfect and I was falling asleep the whole time they were trying to get him to nurse the first time) - I was instantly in love. Scratch that. Love isn't even strong enough. My heart exploded...or something. It's like he cut out a hole in my heart, climbed in, and still holding the piece of my heart that he cut out to climb in in his tiny hands, he nestled in and made himself a permanent home in my heart. Too graphic? Sorry.

Moment by moment, stage by stage - I lived in each "newness" with him. Never looking forward, never looking backward. I lived in the now with Rinkie, always. For the first time in my life, I was able to live in the moment and be content. I am not saying that Rinkie was perfect or is perfect. He had moments where he cried and cried and I was ready to melt down and go crazy. He had moments where he didn't sleep...wait, that's like, every night. He got into things (still does) and tested my patience (still does) and exhausted me (still does) - he is a normal baby, toddler, kid but even with the exhaustion and everything else - I have loved every stage of parenting thus far and have lived in every moment of it. I catch myself saying "I love where we are now" a lot and have done so many times in the last 15.5 months.

They say men think about sex every minute. I think about Rinkie every minute. Not in an "obsessive" way. He is just always kind of there, in my thoughts. He makes me smile. I smile and laugh more now that I am a parent than I ever did before. I want to be a better person as a result of being a parent. I make better choices.

I had no idea parenthood would make me the person I am. I had no idea it would be like this. I am so glad that as a non-kid person, I gave it a chance.

Now with a second child on the horizon, doubts creep back in. Will I be a good parent to 2? Will I be patient enough? Will I love them both the same? Will I be able to stop myself from comparing them?

I hope that I look back at these doubts the same way I look back at the original doubts - that I am able to say, they were unfounded and silly.

2013 Resolutions

Simplify:
In every way.

Simplify stuff. (this means everything from furniture, decor, toys, clothing, personal care, etc) Paring things down to what we actually need.

Simplify food. This means eat simple foods that I understand and can pronounce.

Simplify spending. Be mindful of what we purchase in that they are things we actually need.

Avoid High Fructose Corn Syrup:
This is a hard one but so was going dairy free. I will choose foods that do not contain any HFCS at all. This will help with the simplify food goal because almost all foods that contain crazy ingredients also contain HFCS.

Eat meat only when I know where it is from:
Also hard. But I will commit for a year to this goal. Our freezer is stocked with ground beef from my relatives and we joined a CSA and will begin getting deliveries of chicken, turkey and pig in July and every month for a year after that!

Exercise 5x a week:
Whether a quick walk or a real sweat inducing workout - get some type of exercise 5x a week. I am a happier person when I work out. It clears my mind, I feel good, I release stress and tension. The hardest part about this is that we no longer belong to a gym, it rains here ALL THE TIME and I am pregnant...but I am committed to making this happen. Again, I am a happier person when I work out. Pretty sure my happy chemicals (endorphins?) are very closely tied to my exercise habits.

So there you have it, my resolutions for 2013!